Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

Some
people
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think the
government
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should deal with the increase in
obesity
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,
while
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others believe it is the responsibility of
individuals
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. I strongly believe that
individuals
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should take more responsibility for managing their own health.
This
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essay will discuss both views. Some
people
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say the
government
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should act because it can make
rules
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to help
people
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live healthier. To give an example, it can limit junk
food
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ads or make healthy
food
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cheaper. It can
also
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build more parks and sports areas so
people
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can
exercise
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more easily. For these
reasons
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reasons,
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some think that the
government
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can reduce
obesity
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.
However
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,
government
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actions are not enough. Even if the rule exists,
people
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still make their own
choices
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.
For example
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, someone can ignore healthy
food
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rules
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or avoid
exercise
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even if the
government
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makes
rules
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.
This
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shows that the
government
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cannot control personal habits completely.
On the other hand
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, many think
individuals
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should take
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
.
People
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decide what to eat and how active they are. Even if the
government
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makes
rules
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, a person still chooses to eat junk
food
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or cook healthy meals. Daily habits and personal
choices
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have a big effect on health. They
also
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choose to
exercise
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or not.
Individuals
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have more control over their daily habits.
People
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can read about healthy eating and learn how to take care of themselves.
Therefore
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,
individuals
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have more control over their own health than the
government
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. In conclusion, the
government
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can help, but I strongly believe that
individuals
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are mostly responsible for preventing
obesity
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because they make their own
choices
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about
food
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and
exercise
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. By making good
choices
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everyday
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every day
show examples
,
people
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can be healthy and avoid
obesity
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.

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grammar/structure
Use more kinds of sentences. Short and longer sentences help see a new idea and then explain it.
content
Explain more why each side matters and show cause and effect for health, so the reader sees your point.
grammar
Fix small errors in words and spellings so the read goes well.
content
Give a real example for the idea, even a simple fact from life or study.
structure
Make every paragraph a single main idea so the writing is clean.
structure
A clear view on the issue and a prompt start and end to the essay.
content
Two body paragraphs show each side clearly.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • responsibility
  • government intervention
  • public health
  • individual choices
  • lifestyle habits
  • health education
  • food environment
  • socioeconomic factors
  • nutrition awareness
  • unhealthy eating
  • caloric intake
  • dietary guidelines
  • personal accountability
  • cultural influences
  • advertising impact
  • community resources
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