IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that women should play an equal role as men in a country’s police force or military force, while others think women are not suitable for these kinds of jobs. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

There is a heated debate on whether
women
Use synonyms
 and men have equal rights
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
workforce
Correct article usage
the workforce
show examples
 or not. There are some perspectives
suggest
Correct pronoun usage
that suggest
show examples
gender
Use synonyms
 equality to help
women
Use synonyms
 have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to be policemen or navy.
While
Linking Words
 conservative viewpoints insist that
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 cannot bear those jobs. I will discuss both views before presenting my stance. On the one hand, men and
women
Use synonyms
 are the same regarding work in
police
Correct article usage
the police
show examples
force
Use synonyms
 or
military
Correct article usage
the military
show examples
force
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 is aiming
for promoting
Change preposition
to promote
show examples
 human rights and social justice.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 are not restricted to the traditional assumptions of
gender
Use synonyms
 and have become more independent.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, there is a need for female policemen and work in military
Use synonyms
force
Fix the agreement mistake
forces
show examples
 to promote cooperation and
make for
Verb problem
create
show examples
 a more profound working environment.
Hence
Linking Words
, a
gender
Use synonyms
 balanced working environment
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 securing the country the society is significant and
aligning
Wrong verb form
aligns
show examples
 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
international human rights and social justice.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, individuals opine that
women
Use synonyms
 are not suitable for being policemen or military are aware of the division of
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 between genders. It is obvious that police and military
Use synonyms
force
Fix the agreement mistake
forces
show examples
 are often armed with weapons and take
tasks
Change preposition
on tasks
show examples
 on dangerous occasions.
Due to
Linking Words
 biological traits that
women
Use synonyms
 are prone to anxiety and
empathetic
Replace the word
empathy
show examples
, it would be stressful for
women
Use synonyms
 to take
tasks
Change preposition
on tasks
show examples
 if they are mentally impacted and exposed
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
to
life threatening
Use the right word
life-threatening
show examples
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, men are in dominant numbers
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the police
force
Use synonyms
 because it it on their determination to make rational decisions in most
situation
Fix the agreement mistake
situations
show examples
. Based on what has been discussed, I am supporting
gender
Use synonyms
 equality as I believe cooperation makes it better
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 society.

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task response
Have a clear plan. Start with a short intro that restates the task. Then give two clear views. End with your own view. Use simple linking words to show order.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in order. Use words like 'also', 'but', 'however', 'for example' to connect ideas smoothly.
task response
Be precise with facts. Give real and simple examples to show why you think a point is true.
grammar
Check grammar and word form. Use 'police' not 'policemen', 'military' not 'militia'. Watch sentence form and article use.
structure
The essay tries to show both sides.
content
It ends with a clear view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • equality
  • stereotypes
  • diversity
  • physical prowess
  • discrimination
  • negotiation skills
  • gender roles
  • morale
  • integrated forces
  • equal opportunities
  • unit cohesion
  • combat effectiveness
  • bias
  • harassment
  • meritocracy
  • transformative
  • empowerment
What to do next:
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