IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More adults are playing computer games. Why is this happening? Is this a positive or negative trend?

In today’s world, many
adults
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 tend to play more video
games
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 than they used to in the past.
This
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 essay will explore the possible reasons why
this
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 is happening and whether it has a positive impact on the individuals. I think it is both positive and negative, but it depends on the person. Nowadays, video
games
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 have become very popular among
adults
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. They consider it
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a way of relaxing their brains and escaping reality for some period of
time
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.
For example
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, many
adults
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 play
games
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 like Minecraft after work to unwind.
Moreover
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, the most important reason why it thrived is the development of technology.
Last
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 century
it
Punctuation problem
, it
show examples
 was very complicated for
adults
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 if they wanted to play video
games
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.
Firstly
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, it was a luxury and
also
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 inaccessible
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 many.
For instance
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, early gaming consoles like the Nintendo were expensive and not widely available.
Furthermore
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, it raises the question of whether it is beneficial. As stated above, for
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people
Punctuation problem
people,
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 gaming has been a way of escaping reality. It is mostly considered one of the ways to have fun nowadays.
For example
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,
adults
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 often play online chess to relieve stress. On top of that, for many
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people
Punctuation problem
people,
show examples
 computer
games
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 are their way of making a living
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it has reached a certain level where it is considered a sport. A good example of
this
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 is professional League of Legends or Fortnite players who earn money through tournaments.
On the other hand
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, gamers tend to lose social skills over
time
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, the main reason being
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
face to face
Use the right word
face-to-face
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 interactions.
Due to
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 these
problems
Add a comma
problems,
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 many
people
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 suffer from social anxiety. In conclusion, gaming has its own positives and negatives. The freedom it gives is very important for
people
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, especially for teenagers, but it
also
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 causes a lot of problems. Social skills are a very important trait one should have, and
this
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 virtual world is limiting
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. I think the
time
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 one plays should be controlled, and if the
time
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 is monitored, I think it is okay.

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planning
Make a plan before you write. Pick two or three ideas and keep to them.
structure
Say clearly what you think at the start and finish with a short end line.
vocabulary
Use small, easy words and few long words. Connect ideas with words like and, but, also, then, so.
support
Add more strong proof for your view. Give one or two solid examples for each idea.
accuracy
Check small grammar and spell errors such as 'the last century' not 'Last century'.
content
The topic is clear and you give a view on both good and bad sides.
examples
Examples are easy to follow, like Minecraft and pro players.
structure
The essay has a simple plan: intro, body, and ending.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • immersive
  • stress relief
  • multiplayer games
  • online communities
  • cognitive challenges
  • mental stimulation
  • e-sports
  • socially acceptable
  • prestigious
  • purchasing power
  • sophisticated games
  • escapism
  • accessible
  • advertisements
  • adult demographics
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