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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people a town in Australia are currently attending. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people a town in Australia are currently attending. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The pie chart illustrates where young
people
Use synonyms
 in an Australian town
taking
Verb problem
are taking
show examples
dance
Use synonyms
 lessons and the types of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 they are participating in.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 nearly
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of all
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 are located in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private
Use synonyms
studios
Punctuation problem
studios,
show examples
whereas
Linking Words
 the college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 account for the smallest share. In terms of
dance
Use synonyms
 styles, ballet is the most common
dance
Use synonyms
 style with
people
Use synonyms
 under 11,
while
Linking Words
 modern
dance
Use synonyms
 attracts the highest number of teenagers from 11-16.
Firstly
Linking Words
, it can be observed that 48% of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 choose private
studios
Use synonyms
 for situating, twice the percentage of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 located in school halls.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, its counterpart
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is based in community halls and other
venues
Punctuation problem
venues,
show examples
comprise
Correct subject-verb agreement
comprises
show examples
 18% of all
classes
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 the college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 are the least utility, just hosting 10% of all
classes
Use synonyms
. Regarding
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the types of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 chosen by
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 group of the participants, ballet
dance
Use synonyms
, the participation of those who
under
Verb problem
are under
show examples
 11 is the highest, with 600
people
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 in modern
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
, the number of participants
age
Replace the word
aged
show examples
 from 11-16 is significantly higher than those who
under
Verb problem
are under
show examples
 11, with more than 500
people
Use synonyms
. It is worth noting that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 tap
dance
Use synonyms
 attracts similar numbers of participants from both
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
, with
minor
Correct article usage
a minor
show examples
 gap in quantity, with 450
of youngers
Check wording
young people
show examples
 and just under 400
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
teenagers.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words people, dance, classes, studios with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • attending
  • currently
  • location
  • variety
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • jazz
  • venues
  • popularity
  • attendees
  • juxtaposing
  • correlating
  • proximity
  • cultural influences
  • trends
  • anomalies
  • monopoly
  • proportion
  • distribution
  • enrollment
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