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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

This line graph shows the percentage of women who were employed in four countries from 1985 to 2005. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information.

This line graph shows the percentage of women who were employed in four countries from 1985 to 2005. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information.
The line graph illustrates the total number of
women
Use synonyms
 employed in four countries-
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, Korea, Afghanistan, and
France
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
-
show examples
 over the period of 1985 to 2005. The figures are expressed in percentages.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly observed that
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 maintained a clear lead over others and stood
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the first
position
Punctuation problem
position,
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whereas
Linking Words
,
on the other hand
Linking Words
,
France
Use synonyms
 remained the least significant contributor.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 1985,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 had
encountered
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more than 40
Use synonyms
percentage
Use the right word
per cent
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 of
women
Use synonyms
employees
Punctuation problem
employees,
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 followed by
France
Use synonyms
 with approximately 40
Use synonyms
percentage
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Korea and Afghanistan both had
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 than 35
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 employees.
Although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
France
Use synonyms
 saw a sharp decline in 1990
yet
Rephrase
apply
show examples
,
grew
Correct pronoun usage
it grew
show examples
 drastically during the end years.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
Afganistan
Correct your spelling
Afghan
women
Use synonyms
 had
least
Correct word choice
the lowest
show examples
 employability rates with less than 10
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 2005.
However
Linking Words
, Korea had minimal fluctuations throughout the period and reported around 35
Use synonyms
percentage
Use the right word
per cent of
show examples
 workers.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 had
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
women
Use synonyms
 working over the years
with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 more than 60
Use synonyms
percentage
Use the right word
per cent
show examples
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "on the other hand".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words women, usa, france, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 5 times.
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