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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say that subjects, namely, music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

people
Fix capitalization
People
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 these days have different ideas as regards
to
Change preposition
apply
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being well educated. One side says that
,
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apply
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 teaching just academic
subjects
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 more beneficial for their career path,
whereas
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 others support the idea of learning
non-academical
Use the right word
non-academic
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subjects
Use synonyms
such
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 as music and sport. From my point of view, non-care
subjects
Use synonyms
 are crucial, as well.
However
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, I will discuss both viewpoints.
To begin
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 with, academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
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 as chemistry, math, biology and history are an integral part
for
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of
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 creating fundamental ability and
create
Wrong verb form
creating
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solid
Correct article usage
a solid
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 career. Foremost, students will need education about these
subjects
Use synonyms
,
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apply
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 to move up
ladder
Correct article usage
the ladder
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 in their work life. They should have
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 literacy rate
for
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apply
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to
be
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apply
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excel in some fields
such
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 as
,
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apply
show examples
 doctor, lawyer or teacher.
Furthermore
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, if they read merely essential
subjects
Use synonyms
, they could save more time and energy
for
Change preposition
to
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 prepare for exams. With
this
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was
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apply
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, they can concentrate their lessons more effectively.
On the other hand
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, teaching
non-academical
Use the right word
non-academic
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 lectures
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 a big support for student mentally and
physical
Replace the word
physically
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,
moreover
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 for their dream work. When they attend the music lessons, they can rest and be more
relax
Replace the word
relaxed
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. Between heavy lectures, walking in
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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 time is
perfect
Correct article usage
a perfect
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 chance to refresh
brain
Correct article usage
the brain
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 and body, too.
Besides
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, students who want to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
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musician
Fix the agreement mistake
musicians
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,
athlete
Fix the agreement mistake
athletes
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 or
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
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 in future, these
subjects
Use synonyms
 are essential for them. Sometimes, gifted children
could
Wrong verb form
can
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 be
find
Wrong verb form
found
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 and
spring
Verb problem
brought
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 up by their teacher.
That is
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 why
,
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apply
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 they are important to find new talents
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, which
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which
Correct word choice
as
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 nowadays many football players, their
ability
Fix the agreement mistake
abilities
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 and skills
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
explored, suddenly. In conclusion, I agree that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 non-core
subjects
Use synonyms
 are
also
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 beneficial. But students must
to
Verb problem
apply
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juggle
balance
Correct article usage
a balance
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 of them,
then
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 it would be better for their next opportunities and careers.

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structure
Plan your essay with a clear start, two body parts for both sides, and a short end.
grammar
Use short and plain sentence. Check word order and grammar.
task response
Be clear on the view you want to show in the end.
content
Give clear and real examples for each idea.
lexical
Check key words and spell words like non-academic and sport.
content
Shows both sides of the issue.
task response
Gives a personal view at the end.
structure
Has an intro and a conclusion.
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