IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Professionals such as doctors, nurses and teachers should be paid more than sports and entertainment personalities. To what extent do you agree?

It is believed by some that
doctors
Use synonyms
, nurses and teachers should
have high pay
Verb problem
be paid more
show examples
 than actors and
sports-persons
Use the right word
sportspeople
show examples
. I think that both professions should be
consider
Wrong verb form
considered
show examples
 at the same level and
pay
Wrong verb form
paid
show examples
 equally. The reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 my opinion are discussed
further
Linking Words
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay.
To begin
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 with, those who opine that
doctors
Use synonyms
, nurses and teachers should be
pain
Use the right word
paid
show examples
 more give their reasons as follows. The first reason is that they are working for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
.
Doctors
Use synonyms
 and nurses save
lives
Correct article usage
the lives
show examples
 of humans, and teachers are shaping
careers
Correct article usage
the careers
show examples
 of
future the
Correct word order
the future
show examples
 generation. As they play vital roles, they should be paid more
other than any
Correct word order
than any other
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 profession.
Secondly
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, they
work
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 very hard without looking at their
health
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.
For example
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,
health
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 care workers
work
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
on
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night-shifts
Use the right word
night shifts
show examples
, even for
whole
Correct article usage
the whole
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 day and in emergencies as well, which makes them more deserving.
Finally
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, they can not give enough time to their families, because of crucial responsibilities towards
society
Use synonyms
.
However
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, I believe that entertainment professionals
also
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 deserve high salaries
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
other
Use synonyms
health care
Use the right word
healthcare
show examples
provider
Fix the agreement mistake
providers
show examples
. Because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 actors and
sports-persons
Use the right word
sportspeople
show examples
 play
fundamental
Correct article usage
a fundamental
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 role in
society
Use synonyms
 by entertaining
audience
Correct article usage
the audience
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. The entertainment helps
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 to fight
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mental
health
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 problems.
Moreover
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, actors and sports-persons
also
Linking Words
work
Use synonyms
 for more than
twelve hours
Use the right word
twelve-hour
show examples
 shifts as
doctors
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, which require intense physical
work
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. They not only give entertainment to the people, but
also
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 make the nation proud by getting
trophys
Correct your spelling
trophies
 and medals.
Additionally
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, they do not have any private life, as paparazzi always cover their small movements.
As a result
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, they have to spend more on security for
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 and their child.
To conclude
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, I would reiterate my view that both professionals have equal workload
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and responsibilities towards
society
Use synonyms
, which is why they both should be paid and respected at the same level.

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grammar
Fix grammar errors and small mistakes to make meaning clear.
structure
Make a clear plan: one paragraph for agreeing, one for disagreeing, and a final conclusion.
coherence
Use simple linking words to show how ideas go together.
content
Give real and clear examples for ideas.
vocabulary
Choose words that are common and simple, and check for wrong spellings.
balance
The writer shows a real try to mix ideas from both sides.
conclusion
The essay has a clear end line that sums up the view.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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