IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

As countries develop, their populations tend to live individually or in small family units. In your opinion, what are the causes and what are the effects on both individuals and society as a whole.

Most
people
Use synonyms
 want to live by themselves or in
nuclear
Correct article usage
a nuclear
show examples
 family as their countries develop because they do not have enough time to spend on family gatherings. From my perspective,
this
Linking Words
 trend can cause depopulation for communities and
also
Linking Words
weak
Replace the word
weaken
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's social skills.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, demanding jobs make
people
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
focus on their careers. When countries develop, the job market
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 highly skilled
people
Use synonyms
.
if
Fix capitalization
If
show examples
 they do not concentrate on their jobs, they will probably make less money or lose their jobs.
As a result
Linking Words
, they do not spend too much time with their
families
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 their occupation over
Use synonyms
families
Fix the agreement mistake
family
show examples
 responsibilities.
For example
Linking Words
, a recent study showed that
families
Use synonyms
 were extended, and most
families
Use synonyms
 had more than three kids, but most
families
Use synonyms
 prefer only one kid nowadays. I believe that ageing is the first consequence.
This
Linking Words
 kind of society will probably suffer from depopulation in the future. When the rate of
brith
Correct your spelling
birth
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
, the country will be vulnerable
against
Change preposition
to
show examples
 enemies.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the
show examples
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 force will decline.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the economy will collapse because factories will be empty.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, nuclear
families
Use synonyms
 feel less happy because there are
less
Fix the agreement mistake
fewer
show examples
 interactions between
families
Use synonyms
, and they do not
socialize
Change the spelling
socialise
show examples
 with
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 can worsen their social skills, and children cannot communicate well in
sociey
Correct your spelling
society
 and find new friends, so in the
long-term
Use the right word
long term
show examples
 community will lose its meaning. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 focusing on career is necessary for
country's
Correct article usage
a country's
show examples
 development,
this
Linking Words
 choice
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some negative outcomes for a country
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as depopulation and weak social skills.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
State a clear position in the opening sentence and keep it steady throughout. In each paragraph, stick to one main idea and connect it to the task: causes and effects of families living alone as countries develop.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by using a clear topic sentence for each paragraph and linking words to show how ideas relate (for example, 'first', 'as a result', 'therefore'). Check the order so the essay moves smoothly from cause to effect to conclusion.
strength
The essay shows a clear aim to discuss causes and effects of the trend.
strength
Some relevant ideas are given about both individuals and society.
strength
Attempts to use an example to illustrate a point.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • household
  • independence
  • self-sufficiency
  • cultural norms
  • extended families
  • economic factors
  • housing prices
  • feasible
  • technological influence
  • globalization
  • higher education
  • delayed marriage
  • mobility
  • individual success
  • communal living
What to do next:
Look at other essays: