IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentages of men and women aged 60-64 in employment in four countries in 1970 and 2000.

The two bar charts illustrate the proportions of 60-64-year-old
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 in
employment
Use synonyms
 across four countries -
Belgium
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
,
Japan
Use synonyms
, and
Australia
Use synonyms
 - in 1970 and 2000.
Overall
Linking Words
, the percentage of
men
Use synonyms
 in
employment
Use synonyms
 constantly outweighed that of
women
Use synonyms
 in both years.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Japan
Use synonyms
 had the highest
Use synonyms
men
Check wording
male
show examples
 and
women
Use synonyms
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 among all countries. It is
also
Linking Words
 notable that
while
Linking Words
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
the
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
 of
men
Use synonyms
 decreased,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
Australia
Use synonyms
 experienced a slight growth in
women
Use synonyms
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
, which showed a trend that more
women
Use synonyms
 started working. In 1970, 85% of Japanese
men
Use synonyms
 were in
employment
Use synonyms
, which accounted for the largest share, compared to
Belgium
Use synonyms
,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
, and
Australia
Use synonyms
, all at just under 80%. In 2000,
Belgium
Use synonyms
 witnessed a considerable decline to only 19%,
whereas
Linking Words
Japan
Use synonyms
 dropped slightly to 74%.
In addition
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
Australia
Use synonyms
 dropped significantly to just under 55% in 2000. With regards to
women
Use synonyms
, in 1970,
Japan
Use synonyms
 had the dominant
employment
Use synonyms
rate
Use synonyms
, at 43%, followed by
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 at 36%.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
Belgium
Use synonyms
 and
Australia
Use synonyms
 were only at 8% and 16% respectively. In 2000,
while
Linking Words
Belgium
Use synonyms
 and
Japan
Use synonyms
 experienced a marginal fall of 1% and 3%,
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
Australia
Use synonyms
 increased to 39% and 18%, respectively.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
▼
Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women, employment, belgium, usa, japan, australia, rate with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "just under" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slight" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: