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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The bar graph illustrates the
satistical
Correct your spelling
statistical
 data of different
age
Use synonyms
 groups
Use synonyms
percentage
Check wording
apply
show examples
for Australian
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
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 and
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 in 2010. The data is based on the information of
phycical
Correct your spelling
physical
 activities among the particular individuals. The data shows that females
from
Change preposition
aged
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 45 to 54
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
show examples
percentage
Use synonyms
 who were doing exercises
,
Punctuation problem
.
show examples
 Meanwhile,
amoung
Correct your spelling
among
 men 15 to 24
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 has
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
value
Use synonyms
 with 47.7%. The
value
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 of
Use synonyms
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 in
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 is
lowet
Correct your spelling
lowest
 in
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
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group
Use synonyms
 of 65 and over.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in men lowest
percentage
Use synonyms
in
Verb problem
is in
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
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group
Use synonyms
 of 34 to 44 because of their busy routines. As the
infomation
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information
 is gathered from
bar
Correct article usage
a bar
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 graph
Punctuation problem
,
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there is
flacutation
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fluctuation
 between all
groups
Check wording
groups'
show examples
Use synonyms
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
show examples
. In
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 of
female
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females
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 24 to 34 and 55 to 64, the
percentage
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Use synonyms
value
Fix the agreement mistake
values
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 were 48.9% and 53% respectively.
Similarly
Linking Words
, for men same
groups
Check wording
groups'
show examples
perentage
Correct your spelling
percentages
 were 42.2% and 45.1% respectively. There is an interesting point there was only a
age
Use synonyms
group
Use synonyms
 in which
percentage
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value
Use synonyms
 of the both gender was near to each other that
group
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 belong to 65 and over
age
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 female and male.
That
Correct determiner usage
Those
show examples
Use synonyms
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
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 were 46.7% for
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 and 47.1 for
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, percentage, group, value with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 8 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Percentage
  • Australian men
  • Australian women
  • Age groups
  • Regular physical activity
  • Participated
  • Increased
  • Decreased
  • Proportion
  • Physically active
  • Gender difference
  • Engaged
  • Exercise
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