IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people opine that entertainment or leisure activities should be subsidized by the government. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

There is no denying the fact that governments are responsible for
people
Use synonyms
's needs
Use synonyms
activities
Correct word choice
and activities
show examples
.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held belief that entertainment or leisure
activities
Use synonyms
 should be subsidised by the government, there is an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that governments should take care about
people
Use synonyms
's needs into consideration.
To begin
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 with, there are significant reasons why governments should be care about events and entertainment.
Firstly
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, events help strengthen community bonds and bring
people
Use synonyms
 together.
In other words
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, gathering
people
Use synonyms
 in one place improves the quality of life , and they spend their time doing something useful and educational at the same time.
For example
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, a swimming program that includes a financial reward to motivate participants to join and continue.
Moreover
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,
activities
Use synonyms
 can boost the economy by attracting visitors to entertainment and recreational
activities
Use synonyms
 for citizens. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that these events and programs will create more job opportunities, which will reduce poverty and unemployment
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
Linking Words
also
Verb problem
will also
show examples
leading
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
 to more economic growth. Another point to consider, some
people
Use synonyms
 think each one should make their own
activities
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as travelling and exploring. They believe everyone can make
activities
Use synonyms
 that fit their own personality and what everyone
likes
Correct subject-verb agreement
like
show examples
. In conclusion, despite
people
Use synonyms
 having different views, I believe that the government should make different
enterprise
Fix the agreement mistake
enterprises
show examples
 for different ages. Families can join the event together , and each member in the family can
enjoythemselves
Correct your spelling
enjoy themselves
. They will spend a good time together , which helps to create a strong relationship between the family members.

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task response
Be clear about how much you agree or disagree. State your view in the first paragraph and stay with it.
task response
Add one or two strong, simple examples that relate to real life or clear facts.
coherence
Use clear signs to show the order of ideas. Start each paragraph with a small sentence that tells what the paragraph is about.
language
Keep sentences short and simple. Do not join many ideas in one long line.
task response
You try to show your view and give ideas to back it up.
coherence
You use some good linking words like To begin with, Moreover, In conclusion.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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