IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people believe that there should be a fixed retirement age for all types of jobs. Others think that different professions should have different retirement ages. Discuss both views and give your opinion.”

Jobs’ sustainability is essential for individuals’ well-being.People argue whether there should be exceptions to the retirement age for some careers.I firmly believe that every job has its level of hardness and its working hours.
To begin
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 with, a lot of jobs are physically demanding, failing to account for employees’ abilities , which will become hard to perform when employees get older.
For instance
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, jobs
such
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 as searching for petroleum and engineering construction
need
Verb problem
require
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 profound power to do.
This
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 unfair
generalization
Change the spelling
generalisation
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 causes severe health damages
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as backache, leading to deteriorating
workers
Use synonyms
’
overall
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 health.
Conversely
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, expert
workers
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 could provide the assistance,
training
Wrong verb form
train
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 new hired employees, leveraging from their former experiences, and
upgrading
Wrong verb form
upgrade
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 old
workers
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' position and salary.
This
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 can be observed in circumstances when elite companies provide rewards for knowledgeable
workers
Use synonyms
, as they move from
entry
Correct article usage
the entry
show examples
 stage to mastery.
Consequently
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, by retiring at the same age, companies' new
workers
Use synonyms
 will have significant prerequisites;
furthermore
Linking Words
, both the industry and
workers
Use synonyms
 will get the advantage. In conclusion, Jobs' retirement age hinges on its entitlements and privileges that elderly employees have. By implementing strict regulations on
job’
Check wording
job
show examples
 retirement ages, and assisting employees’ states comprehensively, we will maintain individuals’ health, enabling them to enjoy their well-being with their family.

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task response
State your position clearly in the first or second sentence and restate it in the end.
task response
Give stronger, concrete reasons for your view and add more real examples that show why a fixed age may or may not work.
coherence cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea with a clear topic sentence.
coherence cohesion
Use simple link words to guide the reader (First, Also, But, For this reason, In conclusion) and keep ideas orderly.
content
You show both sides of the issue.
structure
Some link words connect ideas well.
content
Your own view is stated.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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