IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some children spend hours every day on thier smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

Over usage
Use the right word
Overuse
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 of mobile phones by youngsters is a topic to discuss in many countries. I strongly agree with the idea. The phenomenon has pros and cons, but
this
Linking Words
 essay will contend that
on
Punctuation problem
, on
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 balance, the advantages of using mobile phones outweigh the negatives. First of all,
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While
Fix capitalization
while
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 the potential benefits of using
smart phones
Use the right word
smartphones
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 considerable, there are genuine concerns about
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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. Smart devices provide a wide range of
entertainments
Fix the agreement mistake
entertainment
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 and many platforms for individuals, which in many cases can be detrimental, and
also
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, it can be an addictive entertainment, that drew
attention
Correct article usage
the attention
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 of children over and over.
For example
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, they provide children with multiplayer games, which is
time taking
Correct word choice
time-consuming
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 and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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 them engrossed
on
Change preposition
in
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 games
,
Punctuation problem
;
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by
Change preposition
as
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this
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, there isn't enough time or energy to do other tasks. In terms of health,
over usage
Use the right word
overuse
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 of online platforms can negative effect on their mental
.
Check wording
health.
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Secondly
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, using smart gadgets
on
Change preposition
in
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 a
balance
Replace the word
balanced
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van
Check wording
way can
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 be beneficial for youngsters. To be more precise, it has the potential to
cause
Verb problem
create
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 many opportunities to expand their knowledge or nurture their skills.
For instance
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, online games give them a competitive environment, which can develop communication
skill
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skills
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, teamwork skills,
social
Correct word choice
and social
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 skills. A
further
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 example, if they watch
educated
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educational
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 online videos, they probably learn lots of things from it, and
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 likely to improve their creativity
, by
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. By
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this
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I
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, I
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mean that when adolescents watch an online clip in order to prepare a project, the process will become easy and understandable, and quicker for them. In conclusion, Admittedly, using smart gadgets has produced some
positives
Fix the agreement mistake
positive
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 outcomes, yet questions remain about
its
Fix the agreement mistake
their
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 long-term effectiveness. In my opinion, if parents create a balance to use smart devices for their children, it is useful for them.

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task response
Plan one idea per paragraph. Start with a short line that states your point. Then add one or two simple reasons.
coherence
Make the flow easy to follow. Use simple links like first, next, also, but, and so. Keep ideas in a straight line.
task strength
You state a clear view in the first part.
coherence
There are some examples like games and online videos to show ideas.
structure
There is an ending that repeats your view.
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