IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The rise of social media has affercted personal relation ships and society as a whole. Do the advantages of using social media for communicating outweigh the disadvantages?

Nowadays, social
media
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 has become an integral part of modern
life
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 and is widely discussed across the globe.
While
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 some
people
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 argue that its advantages for communicating surpass its disadvantages, others hold an opposing view. In my opinion, I totally believe that
life
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 was much better before the innovation of social
media
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 conquered our world. On the one hand, many individuals claim that using the internet for bridging gaps between
people
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, locally or internationally, is one of the most revolutionised technologies in the contemporary decade.
For example
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,
this
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 omnipresent feature made our family and society tightly bonded, which has been revealed in
studies
Correct word choice
recent studies
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recently
Rephrase
apply
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. I have witnessed that firsthand, when I was young, my father worked overseas and reaching him was a challenge.
In contrast
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, today, I can call anybody around the world at any time, not just by a message, but
also
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 in a video/voice call.
Thus
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, these
people
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 see
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this
Correct word choice
that this
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 technology has shaped our
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 in a good way.
On the other hand
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, critics argue that Internet communication often serves as
disruptive
Correct article usage
a disruptive
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 intrusion rather than a beneficial tool. They say that easy communication has made
people
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 communicate less. To illustrate, if we were living in
80s
Correct article usage
the 80s
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, we would spend Saturday night at one of our
friends
Check wording
friends'
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 or relatives’
home
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homes
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not
Punctuation problem
, not
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 just behind a screen scrolling Facebook or writing a tweet.
Furthermore
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, empirical research, which has been published lately, revealed that our real social
life
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 interactions have been eroded
70
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by 70
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%
than
Change preposition
to
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it
Correct pronoun usage
what they
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 used to be 10 years ago.
Hence
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, social
media
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 has an excessive influence on our world, but in the wrong way. In summary,
although
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 both sides present valid arguments regarding
this
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 topic, I firmly believe that social
media
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's drawbacks outweigh its merits. Ultimately, we should raise
people
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's awareness to use it for their
benefits
Fix the agreement mistake
benefit
show examples
 to save our future.

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task
Be clear about your position. The question asks if the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. State a firm answer in the introduction and keep it in the conclusion.
coherence
Link your ideas with clear steps. Use topic sentences for each paragraph and use linking words to show how ideas connect. Keep a logical flow from one paragraph to the next.
Content
Clear attempt to discuss both sides with 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand'.
Content
Personal example from family life to illustrate a point.
Structure
Some good transitions and structure.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • geographical distances
  • instant communication
  • life updates
  • networking opportunities
  • reconnect
  • superficial interactions
  • face-to-face communication
  • cyberbullying
  • privacy concerns
  • spread of misinformation
  • mental health
  • social comparison
  • addiction
  • digital literacy education
  • responsible usage
  • privacy controls
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