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Writing Samples
Band 5

Write about the following topic: Scientists believe that obesity in people has increased. People believe that education can help to reduce this problem, but others believe that education have no significant role. Discuss both views and give your opinion

Leading a shockingly sedentary lifestyle is one
the
Change preposition
of the
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 number one problems related to living in urban areas.
While
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 some opine
community
Correct word choice
that community
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education
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 goes a long way in
this
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 case, others argue that
education
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 has nothing to do with overweight bodies. In my view, the
role
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 of awareness in having a healthy body is too important to be overlooked. On the one hand, there is nothing about raising awareness of the consequences of
overweight
Verb problem
being overweight
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shapes
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apply
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to do with following a healthy habit among residents. To clarify,
according to
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 a survey conducted by a top-rated university in my country, Iran, many educated
people
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 are struggling with grossly overweight bodies
due to
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 working
habits
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. Indeed, they have to work long hours in front of a monitor and
glue
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glued
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 to their chairs to do their jobs.
As a result
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, they do not have enough time to pay attention to their health,
such
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 as working out, going out with their friends, and even burning any calories, but it is not as if they are not aware of the implications of not moving their bodies.
On the other hand
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, social platforms, like Instagram, Telegram, and WhatsApp, play a crucial
role
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 in stopping unhealthy
habits
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 among
people
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.
For instance
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, individuals, especially the new generation, tend to look at their
favorite
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favourite
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 celebrities as
role
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 models in their lives. If these well-known persons place a high value on a healthy lifestyle, the majority of
people
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 continue to follow
this
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 trend in their daily lives. Considering Kristian Renaldo, it goes back many years ago when he did not accept Coca-Cola on his page on Instagram, the number of
people
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 who bought
this
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 product has dwindled to a handful. So,
education
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 through the social world has a lot of positive effects on everybody’s minds. In conclusion,
although
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 focusing solely on
education
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 does not guarantee healthy
habits
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 among dwellers, it does not mean we should forget
this
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 significant way of encouraging
people
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 toward the right path. I strongly believe, underestimating the
role
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 of awareness by mass media and well-liked
people
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 in making good
habits
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 among individuals is not logical.

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structure
Make a simple plan with four parts: view 1, view 2, your view, and a short end. Use small words to show how ideas go in a line.
grammar
Fix hard phrases. Some lines like 'overweight shapes' are not clear. Say 'overweight people' or 'heavy people'. Keep to plain talk.
examples
Give clear examples that fit the topic. Tie each example to a point you make so one idea leads to the next.
content
The writing shows a clear view and has an end with your opinion.
structure
There is a try to show both sides and use real life ideas.
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