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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many parts of the world, children are given more freedom than in the past. Is this a positive development or negative development?

It is widely acknowledged that nowadays, children are granted significantly more
freedom
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 compared with previous generations. From my perspective, it is largely a positive development that offers a wide range of merits.
However
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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this
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 trend
also
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 raises certain concerns.
This
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 essay will explain my views and give relevant examples. On the one hand, giving children more autonomy brings a number of advantages in terms of young people’s
behavior
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behaviour
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 and personal development. Namely, possessing greater
freedom
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 encourages them to become more independent, confident, and
also
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 capable of problem-solving skills, which are particularly helpful in real life. To be precise, it enables them to make their own decisions in various circumstances.
For instance
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, those who are allowed to manage their own schedules or choose extracurricular activities often assume responsibility and develop time management more effectively. One of the main
affirmatives
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benefits
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 of giving
freedom
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 is that it alleviates the process of identifying their interests, which can help them discover their talents and shape their future career paths.
On the other hand
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, providing young people with more autonomy can result in several drawbacks.  Specifically, excessive
freedom
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 without supervision can cause negative consequences in bringing up a child.  Indeed, minors who lack the maturity in understanding the risks of resolutions,
such
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 as uncontrolled screen time or
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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 lifestyle
lead
Punctuation problem
, lead
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 to poor habits, reducing discipline, and
also
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 exposure to harmful manners.
Therefore
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, parental guidance plays a crucial role in setting clear rules. In conclusion, despite some adverse effects of giving more
freedom
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, it is still a constructive progress in today’s fast-paced world.
Nonetheless
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, I reckon that striking a balance is the key
of
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to
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 everything.

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task response
Your view is clear, but you should give more proof and detail for each point. State your main idea in the first paragraph and keep it in each part.
coherence structure
Use a simple plan: an intro with your view, a paragraph for the good points, a paragraph for the weak points, and a short final line. Start each paragraph with a clear topic sentence.
coherence linking
Link ideas with easy words: first, also, but, for example. Make the flow from one idea to the next smooth.
task response
Add more specific examples from real life to back up your points and to show how it helps or hurts children.
strength
The essay states a clear view that more freedom has good sides.
structure
There are clear parts with an introduction, body and conclusion.
structure
Contrasts are used well with phrases like 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand'.
content
Examples are used to show points.
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