IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The charts below show the results of a survey about what people of different age groups say makes them most happy.

The given pie charts
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
show examples
 what makes individuals happiest by doing hobbies, comparing those under 30 years old with
over
Correct pronoun usage
those over
show examples
 30.
In
Use the right word
It
show examples
 can be seen that
achivement
Correct your spelling
achievement
 at work is the most important source of happiness for both age groups.
Howerver
Correct your spelling
However
, younger
people
Use synonyms
 tend to
avlue
Correct your spelling
value
 appearance and travelling more,
while
Linking Words
over
Check wording
people over
show examples
 30
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
place
show examples
 greater crucial on financial security and family. Looking at the data of
people
Use synonyms
 under 30,
achieverment
Correct your spelling
achievement
 at work accounts for the largest proportion at 31%. Doing hobbies is the second
factor
Use synonyms
, making up 22%. Having a good
apprearance
Correct your spelling
appearance
 is quite
important
Correct article usage
an important
show examples
factor
Use synonyms
, at 18%, followed by travelling at 15%. The proportion of other
factor
Use synonyms
 accounts for
smallest
Correct article usage
the smallest
show examples
, at 14%.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
for people
show examples
 over 30,
achivement
Correct your spelling
achieving
 a work is even more dominant, at 32%. Doing hobbies remains an important
factor
Use synonyms
 at 24%. Financial security becomes more significant for
this
Linking Words
 age group, accounting for 20%,
while
Linking Words
 being with family makes up
14
Correct your spelling
14%
&.
However
Linking Words
, the percentage of other
Use synonyms
factor
Fix the agreement mistake
factors
show examples
 is the least important, at only 10%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words people, factor with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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