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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart
reprersents
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represents
 the proportion of men and women from Australia in different age groups who do regular physical activities in 2010. Almost every age
groups
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group
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 except 15 to 24
were that
Verb problem
had
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 the percentages of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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female
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females
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are
Verb problem
apply
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larger the that of
male
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males
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. The
percntage
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percentage
 of women between 45 and 54 was the highest
number
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apply
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among all the
numbers
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percentages
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 of women.At the same time,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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male
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males
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 from15 to 24 had the
most
Correct word choice
largest
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 number, which was doing
phsical
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physical
 activity. The percentage of the male in15 to 24 ( 52.8 )
washigher
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is higher
 than that of
female
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females
show examples
(47.7). Not only
percentage of the
Correct word order
the percentage of
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male
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males
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(46.7) but
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also proportion
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proportion of the
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the proportion of
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female
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females
show examples
(47.7) who did the physical activities between 65 and over was similar. The ratio of the male (42.2) was smaller than that of
female
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the female
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（48.9）
betwteen
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between
 25 and 34. The percentage of
female
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females
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(52.5) from 35 to 44 was much higher than that of
the
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apply
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male
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males
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(39.5) , which was the largest gap between
two
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the two
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 genders. Between 45 and 54, the proportion of
female
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females
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(53.3), which was similar to that of
female
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females
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 from 55 to 64(53), was much higher than that of
male
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males
show examples
(43.1), which was lower than that of
male
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males
show examples
(45.1)

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Add some linking words.
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Linking words: Add linking words.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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