IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

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The bar chart illustrates the difference in the
proportion
Use synonyms
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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regular physical activity
which are
Correct subject-verb agreement
that is
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 done by males and females across different
age
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groups
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 in Australia in 2010.
Overall
Linking Words
, women who exercised in the
age
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group
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 from 45 to 54 accounted for the highest
proportion
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,
while
Linking Words
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
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 who
belong
Wrong verb form
belonged
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 to the
age
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group
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 from 35 to 44 made up the lowest percentage. In the three successive
age
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groups
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 from 35 to 64, the
proportion
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 of females accounted for more than 50%,at 52.5%,53.3% and 53%respectively.
By contrast
Linking Words
 , the share of males
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 significantly lower in the same
age
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groups
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 at 39.5%, 43.1% and 45.1%. For the
age
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group
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 15 to 24, the
proportion
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 of men who did activity was the only one which was lower than
female’s
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females
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 across all
age
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groups
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 at
52.8%
Punctuation problem
52.8%. Whereas
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Whereas
Linking Words
 the
proportion
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 of women for the
age
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group
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 25 to 34 accounted for 48.9%. which was lower than men's.
By contrast
Linking Words
, the percentage of men and women in the
age
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group
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 65 and over
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 extremely
same
Correct word choice
similar
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,
accounted
Wrong verb form
accounting
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 for 46.7% and 47.1%respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "by contrast".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, age, groups, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 5 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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