IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

Nowadays, many aspects of lifestyle have changed compared to the past, and one of the most influential changes is the rise of
obesity
Use synonyms
 and lack of health and fitness.
This
Linking Words
 essay will show some causes of these problems and present some solutions.
To begin
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 with, there are some reasons for
this
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 issue.
Firstly
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,
although
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 technology has
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
 side, it has
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 side on our
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as TV, social media, computer games and others.
In other words
Linking Words
, we spend a lot of time with technology,
either
Correct word choice
whether
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 useful or not.
For example
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, research and studies prove
these
Correct word choice
that these
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 days, children between 9 years and 15 years spend more than 20 hours per week.
Secondly
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, fast
food
Use synonyms
 plays
Correct article usage
a significantly
show examples
significantly
Replace the word
significant
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 role in
obesity
Use synonyms
.
recent
Change preposition
In recent
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year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
show examples
, people, especially
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
, rather fast
food
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
. It is
also
Linking Words
 possible to say that junk
food
Use synonyms
 includes a lot of carbohydrates and protein,
thus
Linking Words
, it affects health and increases weight.
Thirdly
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, some wrong
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
 is one of
Correct article usage
the effect
show examples
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
weight of body
Correct word order
of body weight
show examples
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 smoking. In terms of
solution
Correct article usage
a solution
show examples
 for
this
Linking Words
 issue,
organizations
Change the spelling
organisations
show examples
 and parents should encourage sports and practice physical activities
instead
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 of technology, because
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
 will be strongly
health
Replace the word
healthy
show examples
 and it avoids weight increasing. Another solution, healthy
food
Use synonyms
, so we should eat healthy
food
Use synonyms
, because it builds well body.
For instance
Linking Words
, people in the past did not suffer from
obesity
Use synonyms
, since they
eat
Wrong verb form
ate
show examples
 healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and their work
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 mostly physical. By way of conclusion,
obesity
Use synonyms
 is one of
problems
Correct article usage
the problems
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these days, but with
change
Correct article usage
a change
show examples
 of lifestyle we can avoid
this
Linking Words
 problem.

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structure
Make a clear plan before you write. Start with a short intro, then two or three clear causes, and two or three solutions, then a brief conclusion.
coherence
Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence. Use linking words to show how ideas are connected.
grammar
Work on grammar. Use simple present for general truths. Check verb forms, articles, and plurals.
content
Use more precise facts about health and food. Do not say wrong facts, and explain ideas more.
style
Short, correct sentences are better than long, complex ones. Keep ideas simple and clear.
content
The essay has a clear topic and it tries to discuss causes and fixes.
structure
Intro and conclusion are present.
content
There is an example about time spent on screens.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
What to do next:
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