IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

2.Some people believe that an aging population is a serious problem for society. Others think it can be managed. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

As
the society and
Correct word order
society and the
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economy
Use synonyms
developing
Wrong verb form
develop
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, the number of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 is increasing, which
rises
Use the right word
raises
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 the concern for some
people
Use synonyms
 to take
care
Use synonyms
 of them. I believe it can be a burden for society in the future. It is undeniable that
Correct article usage
an aging
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aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 is a heavy load both for a family and for a country. On the one hand, take Japan as
an
Correct article usage
a
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 typical example, young
people
Use synonyms
 have to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their aged parents in
finance
Replace the word
financial
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 and
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
mental
, especially
Check wording
aspects, especially
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 when they get sick in the hospital.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, aged
people
Use synonyms
 may take up the positions in the labour market
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 the government
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
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 to prolong the age of retirement to pay off the deficit of the pension, which will in turn decrease the opportunities for young
people
Use synonyms
 to find jobs to make a living.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is unsustainable for Japan to maintain a high-speed of economic
growing
Replace the word
growth
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 or
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 level of social welfare services.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the research and development of high-end technology and science may be short of labour since the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
population
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 rises, lacking
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
enough motivation in terms of creativity.
As a consequence
Linking Words
, the soft power of a country can be weakened compared to other
countries
Use synonyms
 with
healthier
Correct article usage
a healthier
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population
Use synonyms
 constitution.
In contrast
Linking Words
, there is a chance that
problems
Correct article usage
the problems
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 that
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 bring about can be managed in a suitable way. In Britain and France,
for instance
Linking Words
, the governments advocate the development of
Silver
Use synonyms
Hair
Use synonyms
Economy
Use synonyms
, encouraging enterprises to research products and services that more available to old
people
Use synonyms
, supporting medical system with more subsidy, guiding the aging
population
Use synonyms
 into the tourism markets to stimulate consumption, and implementing beneficial investments with the pension, which can relieve the stress on young
people
Use synonyms
 and sustain the recycle of the
economy
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 with novel energy and momentum. As far as I’m concerned, the growth of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 is a considerable burden. Despite
Use synonyms
Silver
Correct article usage
the Silver
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Hair
Use synonyms
Economy
Use synonyms
energizing
Change the spelling
energising
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 the development for some
countries
Use synonyms
 to some extent, the speed of the cost of taking
care
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 of old
people
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 will still be accelerated rapidly in the next 10 years, far beyond the speed of the increase
Silver
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Hair
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Economy
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 contributing to. The fertility rate will keep
plummet
Wrong verb form
plummeting
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,
in
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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meanwhile
Punctuation problem
meanwhile,
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 the cost of medicine and nursing
institution
Fix the agreement mistake
institutions
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 will climb up. On the whole, the growth and the influence are gradually falling for
high-farewell
Use the right word
highly
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 developed
countries
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
over
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 a long time. Specifically, as for China with 1.5 billion
Check wording
apply
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population
Use synonyms
, it’s a tremendous challenge for our central government to support
this
Linking Words
 large
scale
Check wording
number
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 of
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 with a lower level of average
incomes
Fix the agreement mistake
income
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 than
western
Fix capitalization
Western
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countries
Use synonyms
. In short,
Correct article usage
an aging
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aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 brings more challenges in finance, employment markets, and
health
Correct article usage
the health
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care
Use synonyms
 system, even though some
countries
Use synonyms
 create
Use synonyms
Silver
Correct article usage
a Silver
show examples
Hair
Use synonyms
Economy
Use synonyms
 to try to manage the decline of
Use synonyms
economy
Correct article usage
the economy
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
Use synonyms
. There is still a long way especially for us Chinese
to
Punctuation problem
, to
show examples
 explore a new approach to address
this
Linking Words
 concerning problem.

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task
Your essay has a clear view but the main ideas are not built well. Try to make one big idea per paragraph and add clear, strong links to show why your idea matters.
style
Use many short, plain sentences. Break long lines into small ones to help the reader follow.
structure
End with a strong conclusion that restates your view and sums up the main points.
content
The writer gives both sides, not just one view.
content
Examples from real places are used to show points.
content
The idea about policy change is in the essay, not only facts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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