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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the number of overseas visitors who came to Japan for different purposes between 1990 and 2010. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The line chart
illustrated
Wrong verb form
illustrates
show examples
each
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
number
Use synonyms
 of foreign
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
show examples
 who visited Japan for
three
Use synonyms
 kinds of reasons over a 20-year period, from 1990 to 2010. The
three
Use synonyms
 groups which reflected in the graph were business,
holiday
Use synonyms
 and visiting
friends
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, visitors to Japan for business stood the first place among
three
Use synonyms
 reasons, followed by
holiday
Use synonyms
 and visiting
friends
Use synonyms
 in 1990. The rank
kept
Verb problem
remained
show examples
 the same in 2010.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 was evident that business took the major proportion among
Use synonyms
three
Correct article usage
the three
show examples
 different causes. It brought the most visitors to Japan over two decades, which started at approximately 6
million
Use synonyms
 people and grew to 9
million
Use synonyms
at the end
Linking Words
 of the timeline.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the figure surged to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 peak in 2000, which was recorded as 10
million
Use synonyms
,
then
Linking Words
dropping down
Wrong verb form
dropped
show examples
 to around 8
million
Use synonyms
 after 5 years.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of people who came
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
holiday
Use synonyms
 fluctuated between 5
million
Use synonyms
 to 8
million
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 the figure slipped down to a trough in 1992, which dropped to 4
million
Use synonyms
, it still had a growth trend over 20 years. Meanwhile, the
number
Use synonyms
 of visitors
for visiting
Change preposition
to visit
show examples
friends
Use synonyms
 was 4
million
Use synonyms
 in 1990 and gradually increased to 6
million
Use synonyms
Linking Words
at
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the end. In more detail, the line graph revealed that the groups of
holiday
Use synonyms
 and visiting
friends
Use synonyms
 had ever reached the identical
number
Use synonyms
 in the same years, which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 1992 and 2005, respectively
4
Punctuation problem
, 4
show examples
million
Use synonyms
 and 7
million
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words number, three, holiday, friends, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figure" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • increase, rise, grow, go up
  • fall, drop, decline, stay the same
  • total, number, visitors
  • overseas, abroad
  • Japan
  • year, from, to, by
  • for, with, of
  • purpose, reason
  • business, holidays, study, visiting (friends/family)
  • highest, most, least
  • category, group
  • trend, pattern
  • rapid, slow, steady
  • period, year
  • compare, difference
  • in all, all together
  • yearly, yearly change
  • percent, amount
  • significant, big, small
  • year 1990, year 2010, by year
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