IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

it is often thought that the increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media . do you agree that this is the main cause of juvenile crime? what solutions can you offer to deal with this situation?

It is often believed that the rise in juvenile
crime
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 can be connected to violence in
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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. In my opinion, I agree that juvenile
crime
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 is related to
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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 because violent
contents
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content
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 can be published by
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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.
and
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apply
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raising
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Raising
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 younger
peoples
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people's
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 awareness about criminal
gangs
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 by
schools
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 and imposing age restrictions are the most viable solutions .
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
media
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 with the aim of attracting audiences often publishes videos, pictures or news that do not have appropriate contents for teens because
people
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 normally show more interest to these subjects so teens can easily be influenced by them and show delinquent behavior within sociaty .another point to consider is that
gangs
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 can manipulate teenagers opinions through
media
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 to more clarify, there are large number of
gangs
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 who need to extend their society by connecting to young
people
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 on
media
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 and they encourage or manipulate junior citizens by sharing their violent attitudes to younger generation therefor many of them even drop out of school and are involved with ofences.
Possible
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A possible
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 solution to
this
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 problem would be to impose some restrictions on
medias
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media
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 topics.
in other words
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 if age restriction is considered by producers there will be less focus by young generation toward violent contens
subsequently
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people
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 face considerable increase in juvenile
crime
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 rate .
furthermore
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,
schools
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 should have major role in raising teenagers awareness about negative effects of
gangs
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 to put it in other way as children are trained mainly by
schools
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 .
children
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Children
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 should be aware of
methods
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the methods
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 of communication used by delinquent groups in
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media
Correct article usage
the media
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 by experts
such
Linking Words
 as police officers in
schools
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so
Punctuation problem
, so
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 young
people
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 are less likely to be
engourage
Correct your spelling
encouraged
 by offences .
To
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In
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 conclusion
media
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 has
big
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a big
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 role in juvenile
crime
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by
Change preposition
through
show examples
 violent
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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 and showing
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gangs
Fix the agreement mistake
gang
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 attitudes
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 possible solutions could be to restrict
Correct article usage
the medias
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medias
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media's
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 content and
raising
Wrong verb form
raise
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teenagers
Check wording
teenagers'
show examples
 awareness about
gangs
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by
Change preposition
through
show examples
schools
Use synonyms
 .

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task response
Be clear about your view in the intro and stay with it. State if you think media is the main cause and then give reasons.
task response
Add more strong ideas and simple examples to back up your view. Explain how media can lead to crime.
coherence and cohesion
Put your ideas in clear parts: one paragraph for the view, one for each solution, and one for a short ending.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words like also, but, so, for example, in addition to help ideas flow.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph have one main idea and end with a small pause (period). Try to avoid long run-on sentences.
content
The topic is clear and you show a view on media and crime.
content
You give two possible solutions: age limit for media and school work.
content
You use simple words that are easy to read.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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