IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

There are several factors that motivate people to stay in the workforce, and money is the most important reason/factor. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that there are different reasons encouraging employees to continue working,
while
Linking Words
 others assert that
money
Use synonyms
 is the most motivating factor.
However
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, I firmly believe that the salary is an important reason to stay in the workforce. The following paragraphs will discuss why I agree with
this
Linking Words
 perspective and give relevant examples. On the one hand, individuals
had
Wrong verb form
who have
show examples
money
Use synonyms
by
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their work have more opportunities
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 entertainment
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they can
offer
Verb problem
meet
show examples
 all
needs
Correct pronoun usage
their needs
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to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
and families,
whereas
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 others who do not have enough
money
Use synonyms
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
may struggle to have high quality life. To illustrate, nowadays, everything you want you will pay for it,
such
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 as good healthcare services, education, and shopping.
Therefore
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, the more
people
Use synonyms
 have
money
Use synonyms
, the better life they have.
On the other hand
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, more
people
Use synonyms
 improved their
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their
money
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, they can teach their children in an excellent school
as well as
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traveled
Replace the word
travel
show examples
 abroad to develop their skills. Meanwhile, with
high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 cost of living, they have the ability to pay the bills and taxes.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they have
fun
Correct article usage
a fun
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 time and enjoy the moments.
For example
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, my brother travels every year and
buy
Correct subject-verb agreement
buys
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 expensive items and trendy things, like clothes and phones, as he earns
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 salary. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
factors
Change preposition
of factors
show examples
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
show examples
 important in the workforce,
money
Use synonyms
 is still the most essential one. It
allow
Correct subject-verb agreement
allows
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to have
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
live
Replace the word
life
show examples
 and improve
their self
Check wording
themselves
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, individuals should remain in their
job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
show examples
 and work hard to
get
Verb problem
make
show examples
money
Use synonyms
.

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task
State your view clearly in the intro and keep it in all body paragraphs. Try to discuss both sides and show you have read the prompt.
coherence
Improve the flow between ideas. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence and use linking words to show the line from one idea to the next.
content
Clear position on the topic
structure
There is a basic four-part layout (intro, two body, conclusion)
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • basic needs
  • career advancement
  • pension
  • job satisfaction
  • sense of purpose
  • social connections
  • workplace relationships
  • intellectual stimulation
  • societal norms
  • earning potential
  • motivation
  • livelihood
  • financial independence
  • professional growth
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