IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

The percentage of overwheight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of his disturbing trend.

In recent days, uncontrolled eating behaviour has intensified around the world, especially in adolescents. For the past ten years, the percentage of overweight Western children has risen by approximately 20%.
Linking Words
This
Correct determiner usage
The
show examples
 following discussion will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
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 underlying causes of
this
Linking Words
 issue and the potential effects. One of the significant factors contributing
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the
increasing
Replace the word
increase
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of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity cases is excessive consumption of
ultra processed
Use the right word
ultra-processed
show examples
 food (
UPF
Use synonyms
). The
UPF
Use synonyms
 mostly do not contain balanced ingredients of carbohydrate, protein, and fat, since they have been processed for too long in
machine
Correct article usage
a machine
show examples
.
For instance
Linking Words
, kids
consuming
Wrong verb form
who consume
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 too much
UPF
Use synonyms
 weigh
heavier
Correct word choice
more
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 than those
kids
Check wording
apply
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who eat real food.
In addition
Linking Words
, a lack of exercise could
also
Linking Words
 contribute to
this
Linking Words
 problem. Adolescents
supposed
Verb problem
are supposed
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 to be very active in their age
,
Punctuation problem
;
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 rarely exercising combined with overeating could result in excessive weight gain.
Consequently
Linking Words
, those actions lead to several concerning effects.
Due to
Linking Words
UPF
Use synonyms
over consumption
Use the right word
overconsumption
show examples
, one's body composition
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 unbalanced
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 fats are mostly dominating the whole body.
This
Linking Words
 overfat condition would bring some disadvantages,
such
Linking Words
 as
arising
Correct article usage
the arising
show examples
 disease and decreased quality of life.
For example
Linking Words
, some obese people are prone to cardiovascular disease, especially related to heart
and
Check wording
disease and
show examples
 stroke.
To conclude
Linking Words
, overweight cases involving Western
adolescent
Fix the agreement mistake
adolescents
show examples
 have been more concerning

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structure
Move from start to end in clear parts: opening, body, and end. Finish with a clear conclusion.
language
Check your facts: use clear and simple words, avoid long and strange phrases.
content
Explain each cause with a full idea and give one clear example.
coherence
Use linking words to show the order and connect ideas.
language
Fix grammar; the last sentence is incomplete and needs a proper ending.
content
You try to discuss both causes and effects.
structure
You give examples like UPF and disease risk.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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