IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that famous celebrities are poor role models for teenagers, while others think they can be a source of inspiration. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of celebrities as role models for young people. Write at least 220 words.

Today
many
Punctuation problem
, many
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are having a discussion about
celebrities
Use synonyms
 being poor or good
role
Use synonyms
 models for young
people
Use synonyms
. There are two sides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
Linking Words
 discussion. The first side thinks that
celebrities
Use synonyms
 are poor
role
Use synonyms
 models for teenagers
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the opposite side thinks that they can be a source of inspiration for young
people
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
celebrities
Use synonyms
 are a great inspiration for young
people
Use synonyms
, because they can help children set new goals they want to achieve.
For example
Linking Words
, we follow some kind of celebrity through social media
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 we see what they post or what they do every day, how they live. By watching their
lives
Punctuation problem
lives,
show examples
 we want to achieve everything they did.
Eventually
Add a comma
Eventually,
show examples
 we set a new goal. After we set that
goal
Punctuation problem
goal,
show examples
 we try to stay motivated and determined to achieve it.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some
celebrities
Use synonyms
 can help us learn something new or make us get over some conundrums.
For instance
Linking Words
, we are following some kind of man
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 is
educated well
Correct word choice
well-educated
show examples
 or
finished
Verb problem
has finished
show examples
 a great school. That man might post some tips on how to relieve stress or how to get over an obstacle
easier
Rephrase
more easily
show examples
. He
also
Linking Words
 might teach us how to be confident or compassionate to others.
However
Linking Words
, there is a negative side to that. Some famous
people
Use synonyms
 may look very nice online
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 when you meet
them
Punctuation problem
them,
show examples
 they are very selfish and
self-observed
Use the right word
self-obsessed
show examples
. That can make our young community take a bad influence
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 eventually they will behave badly at school.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 some
celebrities
Use synonyms
 might post on the internet their perfect body
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that can make young kids
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
very insecure about themselves. To illustrate, a teen girl sees a woman with the perfect body
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
then
Linking Words
 she starts to think her body is not perfect. After some
time
Punctuation problem
time,
show examples
 she gets anorexia. The anorexia makes her look haggard and very unhealthy.
Overall
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
show examples
 my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 it is good to have a human being
Linking Words
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 is your
role
Use synonyms
 model. But all of us should be careful with what we see online.
Linking Words
Also
Add a comma
Also,
show examples
 every single one of us should learn to see the difference between fake
or
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 real, so I suggest choosing our
role
Use synonyms
 models wisely.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task
Make your view clear in the opening and end with a firm personal stand. Give more strong examples to back up each point.
cohesion
Use clear topic sentences for each paragraph and use simple links to show how ideas connect. Keep ideas in a logical order.
structure
Two sides are given and there is a plan with clear paragraphs.
content
Examples are used to explain ideas and the ending gives advice.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • role model
  • celebrity
  • teenager
  • influence
  • inspiration
  • example
  • behavior
  • attitude
  • hard work
  • talent
  • success
  • charity
  • responsibility
  • media
  • image
  • reality
  • balance
  • critical thinking
  • guidance
  • peer pressure
  • privacy
  • fame
  • money
  • ethics
  • kindness
  • resilience
  • discipline
  • goal
  • study
  • sport
  • health
What to do next:
Look at other essays: