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Writing Samples
Band 4

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.

In recent days, various kinds of food are very accessible and
over-eating
Use the right word
overeating
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 habits
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been a concerning issue worldwide. An increasing percentage by 20% of obese adolescents has intensified, particularly in Western countries.
This
Linking Words
 discussion will elaborate
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 underlying causes
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
of
this
Linking Words
 issue and
following
Correct pronoun usage
its following
show examples
 impacts. One of the most significant factors contributing to the increasing cases of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 is excessive consumption of
ultra processed
Use the right word
ultra-processed
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 food (
UPF
Use synonyms
). Corresponding to its name,
UPF
Use synonyms
 has been through many processes by the factory machines prior to its final product
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, that
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that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 is readily eaten by people, resulting in its loss of some nutrition.
For instance
Linking Words
, kids eating too much
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
UPF
Use synonyms
 have more
fats
Fix the agreement mistake
fat
show examples
 in their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 and are prone to obesity.
In addition
Linking Words
,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of exercise could cause someone to be overweight as well. Exercises help human bodies burn all the calories and turn them into energy, not
fats
Fix the agreement mistake
fat
show examples
.
For example
Linking Words
, with similar excessive eating habits, adolescents who rarely exercise weigh more than those
Use synonyms
children
Check wording
apply
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who diligently keep their bodies active.
Consequently
Linking Words
, obesity would bring some serious impacts in society,
such
Linking Words
 as decreasing one’s
self confidence
Use the right word
self-confidence
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 and
arising
Verb problem
increasing
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 cases of some
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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. Overweight kids tend to have insecurities about their bodies, resulting in loss of confidence and
become
Wrong verb form
becoming
show examples
socially-awkward
Use the right word
socially awkward
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 with their peers. Another concerning effect is
a
Correct word choice
that a
show examples
person might be suffering from
illness
Correct article usage
an illness
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 obesity.
For example
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 having excessive body
fats
Fix the agreement mistake
fat
show examples
 might be prone to cardiovascular disease from a young age, especially heart problems and stroke.
To conclude
Linking Words
, increasing cases of overweight
children
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been concerning
due to
Linking Words
 excessive eating of
UPF
Use synonyms
 and lack of
exercises
Fix the agreement mistake
exercise
show examples
. Those conditions might bring some serious impacts
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as increasing insecurities and arising health problems among
children
Use synonyms
.

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planning
Plan your essay with two parts: causes and effects. Use one idea per paragraph and link ideas with simple words like 'also', 'and', 'but'.
grammar
Use simple, correct sentences. Check subject and verb before you write.
examples
Give clear examples to back up your main ideas.
structure
Clear aim to discuss causes and effects.
coherence
Some linking words show how ideas connect.
vocabulary
Topic like UPF is kept in focus.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
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