IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The table below shows the percentage of working men and women in different areas of employment in one country in 1986, 1996 and 2006.

The table depicts the percentages of employers in one unknown country with
comparison
Correct article usage
a comparison
show examples
 of two genders in the years 1986, 1996 and 2006.
Overall
Linking Words
, there were 4 different categories
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the manufacturing industry was dominant in terms of
males
Use synonyms
, whilst
women
Use synonyms
 showed considerably high proportions in the educational sphere .
To begin
Linking Words
 with, men represented slightly lower percentages in catering. In 1986, the number of male
workers
Use synonyms
 was 16%, after a decade, it drastically increased to 22%,
by
Correct word choice
and by
show examples
 the decade, it remained unchanged.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 made up the same percentage in highlighted years, 26%. Female and Male
workers
Use synonyms
 were occupied in banking at roughly the same rate in the initial year, 12 and 11 , respectively. By 1996,
males
Use synonyms
 saw a dramatic increase to 20%,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 , with a slight difference, accounted for 16%.
However
Linking Words
, by 2006, the rate of
males
Use synonyms
 increased to only 1%, but females to 3%.
Males
Use synonyms
 constituted the higher amounts than females in manufacturing, in 1986 was 32% and 18%, in 1996 made up 21% and 12% and in 2006
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
17% and 6% respectively.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 the contrary, female
workers
Use synonyms
 were
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
more than
males
Use synonyms
.
Women
Use synonyms
 made up 33% in the beginning
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, men represented 13%. The number of male
workers
Use synonyms
 increased by 1% over 3 decades, 14% and 15%. Whilst females grew by 3% in those years, 35% and 38%

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words males, women, workers with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "represented" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: