IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests comma and whether they are married or single. some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Some people
belive
Use the right word
believe
show examples
 that organisations
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
Correct article usage
the rights
show examples
rights
Fix the agreement mistake
right
show examples
 to ask some of
personel
Correct your spelling
personal
details
Use synonyms
 like hobbies, interests and
martual
Correct your spelling
marital
 status when applying for
job
Correct article usage
a job
show examples
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it may be
relevent
Correct your spelling
relevant
 and
usfule
Correct your spelling
useful
,
while
Linking Words
 others say
its
Use the right word
it's
show examples
 not important.
Linking Words
This
Change preposition
In this
show examples
 essay
Punctuation problem
, i
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 will discuss
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
both
view
Fix the agreement mistake
views
show examples
 and
gave
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 my own opinion.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
It
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 is very
importanat
Correct your spelling
important
 to know about
emplyees
Check wording
emplyees'
show examples
personel
Correct your spelling
personal
details
Use synonyms
becouse
Correct your spelling
because
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 helps to
compnay
Correct your spelling
company
 when
taking
Use the right word
making
show examples
 decisions. On the one hand, supporters argue that personal
information
Use synonyms
 can help
employers
Use synonyms
 better understand candidates.
For example
Linking Words
, hobbies and interests may show useful
skills
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as teamwork, leadership, or creativity. Someone who plays team sports may
work
Use synonyms
 well in groups,
while
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 a person involved in volunteer
work
Use synonyms
 may have strong communication
skills
Use synonyms
.
In addition
Linking Words
, knowing a candidate’s family situation can sometimes help
employers
Use synonyms
 assess availability, flexibility, or willingness to travel or
work
Use synonyms
 long hours, especially for demanding roles.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, many people believe that asking for personal
details
Use synonyms
 is unnecessary and even unfair.
Information
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as marital status does not directly relate to a person’s ability to do a job. There is
also
Linking Words
 a risk of discrimination, as
employers
Use synonyms
 may unconsciously favour or reject candidates based on their personal background rather than their
skills
Use synonyms
 and experience.
Moreover
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, personal questions can invade privacy and make applicants feel uncomfortable or pressured during the recruitment process. In my opinion, only job-related personal
information
Use synonyms
 should be requested. Hobbies and interests can be useful if they are relevant to the role, but questions about marital status or family life should generally be avoided.
Employers
Use synonyms
 should focus mainly on qualifications,
work
Use synonyms
 experience, and professional
skills
Use synonyms
 to ensure a fair and equal selection process. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some personal
information
Use synonyms
 may help
employers
Use synonyms
 understand candidates better, asking for irrelevant private
details
Use synonyms
 can lead to discrimination and privacy concerns.
Therefore
Linking Words
, personal questions should be limited and directly related to the job.

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language
Work on big spelling and grammar so the text is easy to read.
structure
Make the plan clear: intro, two body parts, and a short end.
content
Link each idea to a real example or fact for more power.
response
Be sure your view is strong. State your opinion in a clear line.
style
Keep words simple and spell common words right.
content
The essay shows both sides.
structure
It has a clear view at the end.
coherence
It uses words to link parts like firstly and on the other hand.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • team dynamics
  • organizational culture
  • work-life balance
  • collaborative environments
  • bias
  • discrimination
  • conscious or unconscious bias
  • privacy concerns
  • personal boundaries
  • professional abilities
  • skills, qualifications, and experience
  • legal and ethical considerations
  • divert attention
  • significant professional attributes
  • relevant to the job
What to do next:
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