IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, young people are admiring media and sports stars, even though they do not set a good example. Do you think this is a positive or negative development.

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These days, there is a trend among the youth
hold
Verb problem
to hold
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 media and sport
stars
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exceptionally
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in exceptionally
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 high esteem, frequently placing them on a pedestal as idols and role models.
While
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this
Linking Words
 admiration can sometimes yield positive outcomes, the trend of venerating celebrities who do not set a good example represents a negative development for youth and society at large. The most significant negative is the change of value system in
Correct article usage
the youngsters
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youngsters life
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youngsters' lives
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. When fame, wealth, hard
work
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, and kindness, it changes vie about what truly matters. A young person who
idolize
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idolises
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 the
sport
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sports
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stars
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 with their multi-million
contracts
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dollar contracts
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, overlooking the history of violent conduct or doping, is
internalizing
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internalising
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 a dangerous hierarchy of success.
This
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 admiration can
normalize
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normalise
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 poor
behavior
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behaviour
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, suggesting that talent excuses transgressions and that the end justifies any means.
On the other hand
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,
good
Correct article usage
a good
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 point is that
stars
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 can teach young people how to
work
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 hard and stay focused. Even if a star makes mistakes, they usually became famous because they
practiced
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practised
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 for thousands of hours, never gave up, and were very disciplined. A young fan can see
this
Linking Words
 and think, If I
work
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 that hard at my studies or my sport, I can improve too.
For example
Linking Words
, knowing that a
favorite
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favourite
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 basketball player shoots 500 shots every day might motivate someone to practice their own skills regularly. So, by looking at a celebrity’s
work
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 habits—not their personal life—young people can find real motivation. They learn that success comes from daily effort, which is a very positive lesson. In conclusion,
while
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 the human look up to
stars
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 is not new, the modern scale and nature of
this
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 admiration present a pressing concern. The trend is largely negative because it often rewards poor examples and undermines the cultivation of robust personal values.

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task response
Make your first line more clear. Say your main answer in a direct way.
task response
Add one more clear reason for why this is negative, so your answer feels more full.
task response
Use examples with more detail. This will make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more smoothly between sentences and between paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Check grammar in topic sentences, because some errors make the meaning less clear.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same style in all paragraphs. Some parts are formal, but some are too simple.
task response
You answer both sides and give a clear opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
The example about the basketball player helps support your point.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one main idea, which helps the reader follow your writing.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • media personalities
  • sports icons
  • role models
  • admiration
  • influence
  • behavior
  • mindset
  • values
  • unethical behavior
  • healthy lifestyles
  • social media platforms
  • celebrity culture
  • career aspirations
  • educational goals
  • positive change
  • ethical standards
  • amplify
  • idolize
  • public perception
  • impressionable
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