IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on television, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour. Do you agree or disagree?

Nowadays , the amount of violence on TV is on the rise ,
thus
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 creating concerns about how children's behaviour is affected by
this
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 trend . It is agreed that
such
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phenomenon
Correct article usage
a phenomenon
show examples
 will cause
impact
Correct article usage
an impact
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 on how the
youngs
Use the right word
young
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 behave. Analysing the tendency of violence in modern kids and
teenagers
Punctuation problem
teenagers,
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as well as
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 the exposure to violent television
programs
Punctuation problem
programs,
show examples
 will prove
this
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 . First of all ,
high
Correct article usage
the high
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 frequency of watching violent films or video games
cause
Correct subject-verb agreement
causes
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 young viewers to imitate the aggressive behaviour seen on screen. To be specific ,
anyone
Use the right word
any one
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 of us all dreamed of everything in video games or films becoming real-life and
observe
Wrong verb form
observing
show examples
 them on our own. On top of that, these programs make the young generation more likely to accept these actions as normal behaviours.
As a result
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, the world is experiencing a rise in bullying
or
Correct word choice
and
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 young terrorists.
Secondly
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, things that involve violence can cause anxiety and fear to audiences
including
Punctuation problem
, including
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 children.
Such
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effect
Correct article usage
an effect
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 can lead to mental health issues
such
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 as depression .
As a result
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 of
this
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 , the victims rarely stay active or communicate with others.
Consequently
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,
this
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also
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create
Correct subject-verb agreement
creates
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 a more
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
physically and mentally fragile generation. In conclusion, for the above reasons,
it is clear that
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 there are extremely strong reasons to support the view that allowing children to see violent programs is clearly detrimental to their mental health and may affect their attitudes.

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overall
Your essay keeps a clear view and uses signs like First of all and Secondly. Try to start the idea stronger and repeat it at the end to show your main point.
content
Make your reasons clearer. Each idea should have a small, real example or a clear tie to the point.
language
Check word choice and grammar. Use simple, correct sentences to avoid mistakes.
content
Clear view on the topic.
structure
Good use of order words to show steps.
content
Two main ideas are given.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • desensitize
  • mimicking
  • aggressive
  • idolize
  • fear or anxiety
  • social interactions
  • mental health
  • proactive
  • supervision
  • content
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