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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Having money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion. (Essay by Keni)

In today's modern world, the debate
among
Change preposition
between
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 having
money
Use synonyms
 but less free
time
Use synonyms
 is greater than earning less
money
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 and having more free
time
Use synonyms
 is
Verb problem
becoming increasing
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increasing
Replace the word
increasingly
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 significant.
Ther
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There
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 are some
people
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argue
Correct pronoun usage
who argue
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 that the former has more benefits,
while
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 others believe that having more free
time
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 is more important. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both views and explain why I believe that having more free
time
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 but having less salary is more crucial. On the one hand, a lot of
people
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 think that
money
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 can buy happiness.
This
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 is because they believe that having more and more
money
Use synonyms
 can bring them much more healing.
Additionally
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, the higher salary
people
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 have can
improves
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improve
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 their
peosonal
Correct your spelling
personal
 state in society.
For example
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, like engineer and
developer
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a developer
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worked
Wrong verb form
who work
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 in
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an electronic
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electronic
Replace the word
electronics
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 company or
Correct article usage
a semi-conductor
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semi-conductor
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semiconductor
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 company
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 higher
repect
Correct your spelling
respect
 from others in
this
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 generation.
Therefore
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, it still
having
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has
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 negative impacts on their
health
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 problem
due to
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 their
over work
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overwork
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.
On the other hand
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, I believe that having free
time
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 on my own is
primary
Correct word choice
more important
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 than earning
money
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.
This
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 is because nothing is important than both mental
health
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 and physical
health
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.
Likewise
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,
people
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 who worked in
21st
Correct article usage
the 21st
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 century usually
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 potential mental issues. The major reason
of
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for
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this
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 is that individuals
puts
Wrong verb form
put
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 more importance on their job and
ignores
Correct subject-verb agreement
ignore
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 their body problems. To address, having more free
time
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 to pursue their interest and create more
habbies
Correct your spelling
hobbies
 is a great solution for workers.
By going
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Going
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 on a
wlak
Correct your spelling
walk
 during lunch break or entering
gym
Correct article usage
the gym
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 after work can help individuals release their stress and anxiety,
boosts
Correct subject-verb agreement
boost
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 creativity and improve critical thinking skills. In conclusion, there are both positive effects and negative drawbacks throughout
this
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 topic.
While
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 some
people
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 think having
money
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 is crucial, others believe that having
time
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 for rest is primary
,
Punctuation problem
.
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 I still believe that having free
time
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 for myself is the most important thing
during
Change preposition
in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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modern life. By taking rest, individuals can maintain their mental
health
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 but
also
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make
Verb problem
perform
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 well performance on their work.

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grammar
Use short, clear sentences. Break long lines into two or three simple parts.
structure
Put your view in a clear sentence at the start. Make a small plan in the intro.
task response
Give one or two plain examples that fit the point. Tie them to the reason.
lexical
Use common words. Check spelling of easy words.
coherence
Link ideas with small words like and, but, also, so. Make aids to read.
structure
The essay shows two sides of the topic.
stance
It states a view from the writer.
content
It talks about health and time as big ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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