IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Topic: Women are better at childcare than men therefore they should focus more on raising children and less on their working life. To what extents do you agree or disagree with this statement?

It is argued that
women
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 should focus more on parenting and raising
children
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 than
men
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.
While
Linking Words
 some experts on
this
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 matter argue that
prior
Correct word choice
the primary
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 mission of
women
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 is childcare, others believe that it is much better for them to focus on working routine.
This
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 essay totally agrees with the former
positon
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position
show examples
, since it comes with certain merits for both
:
Punctuation problem
apply
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 mothers and
children
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. First and foremost, it is widely acknowledged that mothers are much
responisble
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responsible
on
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for
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 taking
care
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for
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of
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 their
children
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. It can be explained by certain physiological
factor
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factors
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 – their hormonal system is more adapted to attachment to their
children
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 and parental caregiving, as well. Indeed, many studies have shown that the average level of prolactin – the hormone responsible for motherhood and lactation – is much higher in
women
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 than in
men
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.
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This tendency
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These tendencies
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 are widespread among almost all species on the planet.
For example
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, female crows who always ready to protect their chicks even if it can be lethal for them, and pay
especial
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special
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 attention to making their nests safe and comfortable for their babies.
Second,
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mostly, kids
are
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apply
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tend to seek
care
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 from
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mother
Correct pronoun usage
their mother
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than
Rephrase
rather than
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father
Correct pronoun usage
their father
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. Because
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mother
Fix the agreement mistake
mothers
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 are associated with empathy and compassion more than
father
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fathers
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, and
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mother's
Check wording
mothers'
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care
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perceived
Verb problem
is perceived
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 by
children
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 as more supportive and calming.
Moreover
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, the model of how
boy
Correct article usage
a boy
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interact
Correct subject-verb agreement
interacts
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 with his
mother
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 in childhood directly
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
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on
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apply
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how he will interact with other
women
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 in future.
For instance
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, graduate students of Yale University conducted research, in which
group
Correct article usage
a group
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 of
men
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 shared their
attitude
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attitudes
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 toward
women
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 from various cultures, and
this
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 research showed that
group
Correct article usage
the group
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 of
men
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 who received sufficient
care
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 and attention from their mothers in childhood reflected positively
to
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on
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 almost all
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women
Correct article usage
the women
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 were involved in the study.
To sum up
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,
women
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 play
crucial
Correct article usage
a crucial
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 role
on
Change preposition
in
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 parenting and childcare in comparison with
men
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.
For
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this
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 reason, it is essential for
women
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 to
prioritize
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prioritise
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 raising
children
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than
Change preposition
over
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 making
career
Correct article usage
a career
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.

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task response
State a clear view on the issue and add more good facts or proof to back it up.
coherence
Link ideas well with simple phrases and keep one idea per paragraph.
evidence
Choose real, easy examples and avoid claims that look not true.
grammar
Fix big grammar mistakes and use correct verb forms and plural noun forms.
structure
Make a plan: intro with stance, 2 or 3 body paragraphs, and a short conclusion.
clarity
The writer shows a clear stance early in the essay.
organization
There is an attempt to use order words like First and Second.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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