IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The percentage of overweight children in western societies has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the possible causes and effects of this disturbing trend and offer solution.

The rate of overweight
children
Use synonyms
 increased by around 20% in
westren
Correct your spelling
Western
 countries in
previous
Correct article usage
the previous
show examples
 10 years. There are many reasons
Correct pronoun usage
that increases
show examples
increases
Correct subject-verb agreement
increase
show examples
 a
child
Check wording
child's
show examples
 weight, which include eating a lot
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 fast
food
Use synonyms
restaurants
Check wording
apply
show examples
. With
increase
Correct article usage
the increase
show examples
 of fast
food
Use synonyms
resturants
Correct your spelling
restaurants
, easy choices and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fast delivery, a child will always
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 the fried nuggets over an egg or meal
cookes
Correct your spelling
cooked
 at home.
Thus
Linking Words
,
schools
Use synonyms
 should focus on teaching kids the benefits of healthy
food
Use synonyms
 and its positive effect on their health and
nutrition
Replace the word
nutritional
show examples
 status.
Also
Linking Words
,
families
Use synonyms
 should eat at home and limit eating out to only once per week.
In addition
Linking Words
, another reason to consider
that
Verb problem
is that
show examples
 a lot of screen time will decrease the physical activity level, which causes obesity among
children
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
families
Use synonyms
 are responsible for limiting screen time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 limited hours per day.
Moreover
Linking Words
, they should encourage going out to a green space on weekends,
doing
Correct word choice
as doing
show examples
 so will enhance the physical
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 level.
In addition
Linking Words
, offering them an open day weekly and letting them eat whatever they want will encourage them to stick to the plan.
Schools
Use synonyms
 and
families
Use synonyms
 are responsible for making changes and should support healthy eating habits.
Schools
Use synonyms
 should offer a
healthy
Punctuation problem
healthy,
show examples
 balanced meal for students and inhibit any
fried
Punctuation problem
fried,
show examples
 unhealthy
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
.
Also
Linking Words
, educate students on the importance of eating healthy
food
Use synonyms
. Meanwhile, parents are responsible for feeding their
children
Use synonyms
 healthy, balanced
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 and
limit
Wrong verb form
limiting
show examples
 unhealthy fast
food
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
children
Use synonyms
's weight is increasing
due to
Linking Words
 bad eating habits and actions should be
done
Verb problem
taken
show examples
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
schools
Use synonyms
 and
families
Use synonyms
 as well.

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task response
Make a clear plan for the essay. Start with a short intro that repeats the task. Then have two or three body parts with one main idea each. Finish with a short conclusion.
coherence
Use simple links to show how ideas are related. Words like first, next, also, but, so help a reader follow.
coherence
Keep each paragraph focused on one idea. Do not mix many ideas in one paragraph.
task response
Explain effects more. Show how weight gain can make a child feel tired, sick, or have less energy.
grammar
Check spelling and make sure each sentence ends with a dot. Use clear grammar and short, clean sentences.
lexical resource
Use more words, but stay easy. Do not use hard words, but pick a few new ones to show you can vary language.
content
You give many ideas on why kids gain weight.
structure
You show efforts to give ideas from school and home.
language
You use easy words and short sentences.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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