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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart below give the information about the percentage of the adults population who were overweight in four different countries in 1980,1990,2000

The bar graph
chart
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apply
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shows the change in the
percentage
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 of
maturnity
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maternity
adults
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 in four different countries in 1980,1990and 2020. Looking from an
overal
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overall
 structure is that Japan had the lowest
percentage
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 of corpulent
adults
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,
Punctuation problem
;
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however
Linking Words
USA
Use synonyms
 had
highest
Correct article usage
the highest
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 proportion of obese
peaople ın
Correct your spelling
people in
entire
Correct article usage
the entire
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period
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.İt is readily
that
Correct word choice
apparent that
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 corpulent
adults
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was
Verb problem
apply
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increase
Replace the word
increased
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 throughout the tıme
period
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 ,with the exception of Japan. İn 1980,Finland and Australia
was
Verb problem
had
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 approximately six
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
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,
Linking Words
furthermore
Punctuation problem
furthermore,
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 obese
adults
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wasmore
Replace the word
were more
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 than 15
percent
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per cent
show examples
 in the
USA
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.In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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contrast
Punctuation problem
contrast,
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 Japan’s under
the
Correct article usage
apply
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5
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percentage
Use the right word
per cent
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 of
corpulent
Correct word choice
obese
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 people
Linking Words
also we
Correct word order
we also
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 can’t
saw
Wrong verb form
see
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 any
fluctuate
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fluctuation
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 in the whole time
period
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 . Having
sharply
Correct article usage
a sharply
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 increased
percentage
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 of
maturnity
Correct your spelling
mature
adults
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’
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
Use synonyms
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 , from 15 in 1980 to 25 in 1990.There clearly seen that Australia and
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USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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 lead the
percentage
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 of obese people
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 in 2000.
On the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 Finland
change
Wrong verb form
changed
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 1-2
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in
entire
Correct article usage
the entire
show examples
period
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be concluded that the population of obese
adults
Use synonyms
groped
Verb problem
grew
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 in three countries
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
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 the scale of
problem
Correct article usage
the problem
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 and the rate of rise
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
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 greater in Australia and America

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, adults, usa, period with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "change" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
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