IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that music should be taught in school, while others think that it is best to focus on science and computer. Do you agree or Disagree?

Since education has been formally established
hundred
Correct article usage
a hundred
show examples
 years ago, the debate
between if
Change preposition
over whether
show examples
 arts or
science
Use synonyms
 is more essential has never been prolonged. On one hand,
art related
Use the right word
art-related
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
 like
music
Use synonyms
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 us a medium to facilitate
character
Use synonyms
growth
Use synonyms
 and holistic
development
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
science
Use synonyms
 and technology
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 literally the car that drives the human race
foward
Correct your spelling
forward
,
also
Linking Words
 improving
improves
Verb problem
apply
show examples
our daily
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
.
However
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 focusing
Use synonyms
science
Change preposition
on science
show examples
 and
computer
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
 certainly
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 our
students
Use synonyms
 to keep up with the footsteps of
this
Linking Words
everchanging
Use the right word
ever-changing
show examples
 generation.
Music
Use synonyms
 should
also
Linking Words
a
Verb problem
be a
show examples
vital subject for
students
Use synonyms
 to have enhanced
brain
Use synonyms
developement
Correct your spelling
development
,
all round
Use the right word
all-around
show examples
character
Use synonyms
growth
Use synonyms
 , and it eventually even elevates our life quality as
humans
Use synonyms
 . To start with, learning
music
Use synonyms
provdes
Correct your spelling
provides
 immense benefits for
student's
Check wording
students'
show examples
brain
Use synonyms
development
Use synonyms
.
It
Correct pronoun usage
There
show examples
 is
without
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
no
show examples
 doubt that learning
playing
Wrong verb form
to play
show examples
 instruments aids
both
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
the
growth
Use synonyms
 of the
Use synonyms
humans
Fix the agreement mistake
human
show examples
 cerebrum and cerebellum. These parts of the
brain
Use synonyms
 control diverse functions that are crucial for
students
Use synonyms
' mental capabilities. It eventually hones their logical thinking
skills
Use synonyms
, helping their academic performance in various
subjects
Use synonyms
, especially
subjects
Use synonyms
 related to math and
science
Use synonyms
.
Conversely
Linking Words
,
science
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
 are undeniably important too.
Students
Use synonyms
 are
benifitted
Correct your spelling
benefited
 by learning more about their surroundings and are trained to be more equipped for their future workplace. But
science
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not help
students
Use synonyms
 achieve
brain
Use synonyms
 and mental maturing as
musch
Correct your spelling
much
 as
much
Correct word choice
other
show examples
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Hence
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 shows
music
Use synonyms
 subject can act as a stepping stone for
Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
show examples
 scholastic success, so it should exist
ni
Use the right word
in
show examples
 the curriculum. Some might say
science
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
 are the cornerstone that has
fowarded
Correct your spelling
forwarded
 the
civilization
Change the spelling
civilisation
show examples
 of
humans
Use synonyms
 and progressed our quality of life. It is undeniable that
such
Linking Words
claim
Correct article usage
a claim
show examples
 is true
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 we
humans
Use synonyms
 surely depend on
science
Use synonyms
 and technology to
improved
Wrong verb form
improve
show examples
 our livelihood. If there
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 no
science
Use synonyms
 and
Use synonyms
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
, we would not be able to commute to distant places swiftly. If there
is
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 no computers, artificial
inteligence
Correct your spelling
intelligence
 would not have its pervasiveness and the effectiveness
our
Change preposition
of our
show examples
 academic research work would be much hindered.
However
Linking Words
, it is
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
arguable that
science
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not provide
character
Use synonyms
growth
Use synonyms
 for
students
Use synonyms
 as much as the
music
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
.
Music
Use synonyms
 allows
students
Use synonyms
 to have better interpersonal relationships
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
music
Use synonyms
 lessons often have projects like singing and band practices. These activities allow
students
Use synonyms
 to express
thenselves
Correct your spelling
themselves
 and train their leadership and
collboratve
Correct your spelling
collaborative
skills
Use synonyms
. To become future pillars of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society, these
skills
Use synonyms
 are of the essence since
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
hones
Correct subject-verb agreement
hone
show examples
 them to cooperate with others more effectively.
Music
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 provides
character
Use synonyms
growth
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 by improving their personality and disposition. Many
character
Use synonyms
 traits like patience, resilience and paying attention to
detial
Correct your spelling
detail
 can be learning from singing and learning instruments. These
skills
Use synonyms
 are certainly of the essence for their
charcter
Correct your spelling
character
growth
Use synonyms
 in becoming a more mature person.
Hence
Linking Words
, to help the all-round
growth
Use synonyms
 and personal
development
Use synonyms
. It is understood that in
this
Linking Words
capatalistic
Correct your spelling
capitalist
 society nowadays, it is always about developing and earning more money.
However
Linking Words
, maybe we could take a step back
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and focus on our intelligence and personality
development
Use synonyms
. With the explanation from the above, learning
music
Use synonyms
 at school definitely provides the chance for
students
Use synonyms
 to achieve these
character
Use synonyms
 traits.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is unequivocal that
music
Use synonyms
 should be included in the school curriculum apart from
science
Use synonyms
 and
computer
Use synonyms
subjects
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your stand is clear, and you say music should be in school. Keep a short line at the start that says what you think.
task response
Give one main idea in each paragraph. Use a small, plain example to back it up.
coherence
Link ideas with simple words like and, but, also, so, then. This helps flow.
grammar
Short sentences are easy to read. Check spell and fix big mistakes.
content
The writer takes a clear view in favour of music in school.
structure
The essay shows some good reasons about how music helps thinking and social skills.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: