The charts below show the percentage of time working adults spent on different activities in a particular country in 1958 and 2008.

The pie charts provide key information about the rate of daily
activities
Use synonyms
in a specific country during 1958 and 2008.The units are measured in percentage.
Overall
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, it is clear from the graph that the rate of other
activities
Use synonyms
remained constant at 6% in both years.
In addition
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, sleeping and working accounted for the predominant portion,
whereas
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the other , travelling to work and relaxing at home
activities
Use synonyms
had a modest ratio.
According to
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what is shown in 1958, both shopping and working were witnessed around the third.
While
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going out was shown about the fifth.
While
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
the other, travelling to work and relaxing at home, did not reach tenth. In terms of 2008, most of the
activities
Use synonyms
rose except going out and sleeping decreased to 6%and 25% respectively.
Moreover
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, the relaxation at home and travelling to work rose
at
Rephrase
by approximately
show examples
the same amount
approximately
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apply
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.
Finally
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, the working increased to 42%, which represented the highest rate
this
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year.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words activities with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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