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Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of the high school curriculum (for example, working for a charity, improving the neighborhood, or teaching sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is a view that free
service
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like
Punctuation problem
, like
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 working for a charity, improving the
neighborhood
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neighbourhood
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Punctuation problem
,
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ought to be mandatory as
a schedule
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part
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 of
high
Correct article usage
a high
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 school
.
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schedule.
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 Unpaid
community
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service
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 can bring many benefits to teenagers.
Firstly
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, it helps
students
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 develop a sense of responsibility and understand the importance of helping others.
For example
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, working for a charity or improving the
neighborhood
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neighbourhood
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 can teach young people to care about society, not only about themselves.
Secondly
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, these activities allow
students
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 to gain practical skills,
such
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 as teamwork, communication, and leadership, which are not always taught in the classroom.
As a result
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,
community
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service
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 can prepare
students
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 better for adult life. Making
community
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service
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 compulsory may create some problems. Not all
students
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 have the same physical abilities, free time, or personal circumstances. Some teenagers already have a heavy academic workload or need to help their families after school. For them, mandatory unpaid work could become stressful rather than beneficial.
Moreover
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, when an activity is forced,
students
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 may lose motivation and see it as a punishment
instead
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 of a valuable experience. In my opinion, unpaid
community
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service
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 should be strongly encouraged but not made compulsory. Schools could offer a variety of options so that
students
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 can choose activities that match their interests and abilities.
This
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 approach would help
students
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 stay motivated
while
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 still gaining the benefits of
community
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 involvement. In conclusion,
although
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 unpaid
community
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service
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 can be very useful for high school
students
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, I believe it should remain optional rather than a compulsory part of the curriculum.

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task response
Make your intro clearer and state your main view in one line.
examples
Add more real-life examples to back up your points.
cohesion
Use more linking words to show how ideas go together and keep each paragraph on one main idea.
grammar
Check small grammar and keep some phrases simple; avoid odd word choice.
task response
Clear stance and a strong conclusion.
content
Good move to show both pros and cons and a plan for schools.
cohesion
Use of linking words helps flow of ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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