IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

In many parts of the world, some famous people are considered as 'role models' and they are having an increasing influence on the young. Is this a positive or negative development?

3.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Famous personalities gradually
impact
Use synonyms
 on
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 generation. Somehow it makes a
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
impact
Use synonyms
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
; however
show examples
,
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
also
Linking Words
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 some drawbacks. I elaborate in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 upcoming paragraphs.
Body paragraph 1
To
inaugurate
Verb problem
begin
show examples
 with, some
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
impact
Use synonyms
 of famous people in our
society
Use synonyms
. Owing to
this
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
make them
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
role
Use synonyms
model
Use synonyms
. They want to
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
look like them
richer
Punctuation problem
, richer
show examples
 and
public
Correct article usage
a public
show examples
 figure.
A part
Use the right word
Apart
show examples
 from
this
Linking Words
, most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
folks follow their
role
Use synonyms
model
Use synonyms
 and set
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 example as a good human in
society
Use synonyms
. Pupils learn more by watching them in
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 and movies. They
also
Linking Words
 learn about helping others.
For
Linking Words
example
Add a comma
example,
show examples
 most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
famous celebrities
running
Verb problem
are running
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
NGOs, which make a good
impact
Use synonyms
 in our
society
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the
otherhand
Correct your spelling
other hand
,
role
Use synonyms
models
Check wording
models'
show examples
 personality
also
Linking Words
Use synonyms
impact
Correct subject-verb agreement
impacts
show examples
 in
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 way
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
Use synonyms
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
. Owing to
this
Linking Words
, some of them learn bad
thing
Fix the agreement mistake
things
show examples
 from following to
role
Use synonyms
model
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
celebrities do
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 for
alcohal
Correct your spelling
alcohol
 and smoking brands,
Correct word choice
and than
show examples
than
Use the right word
then
show examples
 they get
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 bad
society
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
 harm themselves by watching stunts of their
role
Use synonyms
model
Use synonyms
.
Some times
Use the right word
Sometimes
show examples
 it may cause
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
death.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 them in movies and on social media
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they want to live the same lifestyle
Punctuation problem
, that
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
makes
Verb problem
creates
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in future to manage their
pocket
Check wording
finances
show examples
.
Conclusion
In
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 nutshell,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
role
Use synonyms
 models make a
postive
Correct your spelling
positive
impact
Use synonyms
 on
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 lifestyle and
society
Use synonyms
 as well.
Although
Linking Words
its
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 has some major consequences
regading
Correct your spelling
regarding
 child behaviour and their life.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

structure
Plan what you will say. Make a short plan: intro, two big ideas, then a short ending.
language
Start each paragraph with a simple line that tells the idea.
language
Use clear links like and, but, so, also to join ideas.
content
Give real but simple examples. Do not copy. Use facts you know.
language
Check your mistakes in spelling and grammar. Read the piece after you write.
style
Keep a calm and formal tone. Do not use slang.
content
The essay shows a balance of good and bad points.
example
Some clear examples are used.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: