IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say that the best way to improve health is by increasing the number of health facilities.Others,However,say that this woud have little effect on public health and that other measure are required. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Some individuals believe that the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the number of
health
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 is the best way to improve
health
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, others think that other ways should be used, since
health
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 have
a
Correct article usage
apply
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little effect on public
health
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 it may seem like it has
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
little effect
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
health
Use synonyms
,
i
Fix capitalization
I
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 believe it can help to improve
health
Use synonyms
. On the one hand, using advanced
health
Use synonyms
facilities
Use synonyms
 can be quite expensive to build and maintain. There are not so many hospitals and clinics that have that kind of money to spend on
such
Linking Words
 services, as many of them are funded by the government and strictly controlled. Spending money on those
facilities
Use synonyms
 can reduce the number of professional
doctors
Use synonyms
 working in that place, as funds are used for the technology, not
Use synonyms
doctors
Change preposition
for doctors
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it can easily boost
patient's
Check wording
patients'
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 recovery. They could get treatments from those
facilities
Use synonyms
 or be examined for their diagnosis, getting accurate results.
For example
Linking Words
, a machine that helps to
recognize
Change the spelling
recognise
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 symptoms of a specific condition can help
doctors
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 to identify the cause of the illness and determine how to treat it. Doing
health
Use synonyms
check ups
Use the right word
check-ups
show examples
 is vital for a person in order to stay safe, and machines are required for that. Personally,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 would choose a clinic that has all kinds of medical
facilities
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, because
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe they can provide more accurate information about a patient.
However
Linking Words
, there
Linking Words
also should
Correct word order
should also
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 be professional, experienced
doctors
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, since they play
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 major role in keeping you healthy. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that
facilities
Use synonyms
 are important,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
also
Linking Words
 think that experienced staff is more significant and valuable. If there are both
doctors
Use synonyms
 and
facilities
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, the accuracy of the information about a patient's medical condition would be better.
Overall
Linking Words
,
facilities
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 are important
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 do not imagine a
modern day
Use the right word
modern-day
show examples
 hospital without them.

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coherence and organization
Your essay shows you discuss both views and give your own opinion. Improve by making each paragraph focus on one idea and link ideas with clear reasons.
grammar
Work on grammar and sentence form. Watch capitalization of I, punctuation, and avoid run-on sentences.
content
Give more clear, specific examples to support each point and explain how they show the idea.
task completion
End with a strong, direct opinion and a short summary of why you chose it.
style
Use simple, formal language and reduce repetition.
ideas
Good attempt to argue for both sides.
thesis
Clear position is stated in the final paragraph.
structure
Paragraphs help reader follow the argument.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive measures
  • underprivileged areas
  • immediate medical intervention
  • significant enhancement
  • lifestyle changes
  • multifaceted approach
  • environmental factors
  • public education
  • physical activity
  • nutrition
  • balanced perspective
  • health services
What to do next:
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