IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that having a set retirement age (e.g. 65 years) for everybody, regardless of occupation, is unfair. They believe that certain workers deserve to retire and receive a pension at an earlier age. Do you agree or disagree? Which types of workers do you think should benefit from early retirement?

At present, the
age
Use synonyms
 required to receive a pension is set at a constant across the board for all types of occupation , and many people believe that certain jobs should be exempted from
such
Linking Words
 a rule to receive social security earlier than the set
age
Use synonyms
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 notion because each job demands a different level of effort from the workers , which needs to be accounted for
while
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 providing a pension. The main reason to vary the retirement
age
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 is the intangible stresses that are not taken into consideration. The physical and mental pressure from the prolonged service in any industry varies from person to person.
For instance
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, a blue-collar worker,
such
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 as a miner, has to deal with the risk of losing their life
in addition
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 to the physical strain from equipment handling
compared
Punctuation problem
, compared
show examples
 to an office worker with little to no risk, if all else is equal. So, it is only fair to ensure that labour-intensive and high-risk occupations have a lower
age
Use synonyms
 requirement.
Such
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 a change enables the workers from trade occupations and service sectors to ease into their retirement , resulting in a revitalisation of the workforce. That means people working in construction, mining, the police force, aged care and similar occupations should be subject to an early retirement plan. In conclusion, the
age
Use synonyms
 for receiving a pension should be lowered depending on the occupation of an individual , rather than keeping it the same for all.
This
Linking Words
 benefits both the workers with a peace of mind and the job sectors to strategically renew their employees.

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task response
State your view in clean words at the start and keep it till the end. Add one short plan sentence to show what you will talk about. Give a clear final line to end.
coherence and cohesion
Make the flow better. Use small links like 'also', 'and', 'then' to tie ideas. Each paragraph should have one big idea you explain.
content
Give more exact examples that match your idea. Explain how early time helps the job then how it helps the worker.
task response
The writer has a clear view and gives reasons.
coherence
Ideas link in a smooth line most of the time.
content
Examples are linked to the idea and fit the argument.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • pension
  • unfair
  • occupational hazards
  • early retirement
  • physically demanding jobs
  • mental health
  • burnout
  • job-related stress
  • flexible retirement
  • health risks
  • workplace adaptation
  • career satisfaction
  • work-life balance
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