IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

People believe that individuals who make a lot of money are the most successful. Others say that those who contribute to society like scientists, teacher are the most successful. Discuss both and give your opinion?

It is often argued that rich
people
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 are recognised as successful
people
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,
while
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 others insist that those who contribute to
society
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 are the most successful. From my perspective, the latter seems more plausible since those who contribute to
society
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 make better societies, but both sides of
view
Correct article usage
the view
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 will be examined in
this
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 essay.
To begin
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 with, admittedly, I accept that
millionaries
Correct your spelling
millionaires
 could be the most successful
people
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 since they might succeed in their own fields, and they pay a large amount of taxes for others.
In other words
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, governments raise funds from rich
people
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's taxes to support
Correct article usage
the governments'
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governments'
Check wording
government's
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 projects
such
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 as healthcare
service
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services
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 and
infrastructures
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infrastructure
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.
Also
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, rich
people
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 tend to
creat
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create
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 foundations to support developing countries or
people
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 suffering from diseases.
For example
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.
the
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The
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 chief of Microsoft, whose name is Bill Gates, created the foundation for helping chronic
disease
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diseases
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such
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 as AIDS.
Therefore
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,
billionaries
Correct your spelling
billionaires
 positively influence our
society
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.
On the other hand
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, I am convinced that
people
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 who contribute to
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society
Punctuation problem
society,
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 like
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scientists
Punctuation problem
scientists,
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 are the most successful.
This
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 is mainly because
scientists
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 invent technologies to lead our
society
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 to
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 future.
In other words
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, most technologies we use are invented by
scientists
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. Helpful cutting-edge skills
leads
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lead
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 to a decreasing number of
people
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 suffering from specific reasons.
For instance
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, many African countries continuously experience
water
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 shortages. So,
scientists
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 figured out the way to convert
sea
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seawater
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water
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 to drinkable
water
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, which is called desalination technologies.
Consequently
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, a large number of
people
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 no longer experience
water
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 shortages. In conclusion,
although
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 both views have their own merits, I personally believe that
people
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 like
scientists
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 and
teacher
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teachers
show examples
 lead our
society
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 to
better
Correct article usage
a better
show examples
 future.

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structure
Make your main idea clear in each part. State your view in the intro. Use one or two strong examples for each side. Check that the link between idea and example is clear.
grammar/vocabulary
Use simple and short sentences. Fix grammar errors and spellings. Use common word order.
task response
Make sure you answer the task and stay close to the topic. Do not drift to other topics.
content
The essay shows an attempt to discuss both sides.
content
There are real examples like Bill Gates and desalination.
content
The writer gives a clear view in the end.
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