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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. Part 1 Answer

The pie chart compares where the
dancer
Replace the word
dance
show examples
 students attend their
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
,
while
Linking Words
 the bar chart provides
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
statistical data related to the number of students categorised by age group in three different dances. Generally speaking, a majority of young
dancer
Fix the agreement mistake
dancers
show examples
 prefer to learn and practice in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
private
studios
Use synonyms
,
whereas
Linking Words
 the college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 have the
least
Correct word choice
fewest
show examples
 students. In spite of those, ballet is
favourite
Correct article usage
the favourite
show examples
 among the
children
Check wording
children's
show examples
 group, and most teenagers choose modern class. Taking a closer look at the first diagram,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 private
studios
Use synonyms
compromise
Verb problem
comprise
show examples
 the highest slice, forming nearly
fifth
Correct article usage
a fifth
show examples
,
then
Linking Words
 followed by the school halls, which contribute half of that private trainee.
Conversely
Linking Words
, the community halls and the college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 are the least, as
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 form below 20%.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the second data, it can be seen that kids (under 11) attending ballet amount to 600 and half of that are the teens. Modern dance, in comparison, is more popular for teenagers (11-16),
which
Fix the agreement mistake
who
show examples
 make up 500 pupils, and 200 lower by margin are
kids
Add the comma(s)
kids,
show examples
trainee
Fix the agreement mistake
trainees
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, tap dance has the same number of those age groups (400
trainee
Fix the agreement mistake
trainees
show examples
), representing equal preference among them.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words studios with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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