IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Young people who commit serious crimes, such as a robbery or a violent attack should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

There is no denying that
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 of some complex and comprehensive reasons, a part of young
people
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 would like to try some illegal
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
. Some
people
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 want these young offenders
accept
Verb problem
to accept
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 the same punishment
with
Change preposition
as
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adults
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. From my own perspective, I tend to disagree with
this
Linking Words
 issue.
Although
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 a part of the crimes committed by young
people
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 might
owing
Verb problem
be owing
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 to some complex reasons,
but
Correct word choice
apply
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some of the punishments for young offenders should definitely refer to the
adults
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' punishments. From the aspects of social impact, there is no
different
Replace the word
difference
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 between the criminal
harmful
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harm
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 produced by young
people
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 and
adults
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. All the serious crimes bring not only
challenge
Correct article usage
a challenge
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 to the social rules, but
also
Linking Words
 tragedy to two, even more families.
However
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, unlike
adults
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, young
people
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 are barely able to establish complete
worthy
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worth
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. Lacking
of
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apply
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education and social experience would make them
lacking of
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lack
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 judgment about
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
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 of some
behaviors
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behaviours
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, especially under the influence and misleading of some plots in electronic games, movies and media platforms. The young
people
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 might tend to imitate some of the actions in
these contents
Fix the agreement mistake
this content
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. So, there is
more
Correct word choice
a greater
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 possibility of young offenders committing
crime
Correct article usage
a crime
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 by accident. To modify
this
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 phenomenon, the society and family should work together. Parents should spend more time with their children and teach them right from wrong. They should
also
Linking Words
 pay attention to their children’s
behaviors
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behaviours
show examples
 and emotions. At the same time, schools and communities should provide more education, support and activities for young
people
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. In
this
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 way, teenagers may be less influenced by bad ideas and be less likely to commit serious crimes. Young
people
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 are easily influenced by all the aspects
the
Use the right word
they
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 come into contact
in
Change preposition
with in
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 their daily lives. The most significant measure to avoid
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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to
Change preposition
apply
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crime is limiting the potential hazards from the root.

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task response
Make your main answer more clear from the start. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree, and keep this same view in the full essay.
task response
Add one or two clear examples to support your ideas. This will make your answer stronger and more real.
task response
Explain your main points more fully. Some ideas are good, but they need more detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph, so the reader can follow your ideas more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Connect ideas in a smoother way. Some links are not natural, and a few sentences are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Write a clearer ending that repeats your main view in a direct way.
task response
You answer the topic and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and an ending.
task response
You try to discuss both sides before giving your final view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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