Some people think that competition at work, at school and in daily life is a good thing. Others believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Competition
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has become a major element of
work
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, education, and everyday life, and
people
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often debate whether it is beneficial.
While
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some believe that cooperation is more valuable than competing against
others
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,
others
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argue that
competition
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encourages individuals to perform better.
While
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I understand why some
people
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support the latter view, I am still in
favor
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favour
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of the former. On the one hand, cooperating is the best option, as it generates ideas and team support.
This
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is because more and more
people
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struggle with the dilemma of whether what they do is true or not, so collaborating assists them
to find
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in finding
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a way to solve problems together.
For example
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,
according to
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world statistics, in Korea, students study in groups so they are able to find
both
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friends and colleagues.
Consequently
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,
people
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have a hand in every situation.
Furthermore
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, if beginners
work
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or study with professionals as a group, they can develop their skills by spending time with them. As we can see, around the world,
people
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develop
both
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personally and academically by observing not only successful
people
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but
also
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failed ones, so groups provide an opportunity to know
both
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. On the other side, it is often believed that competing is more effective than cooperating.
This
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is
due to
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their desire to outperform
others
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; if
others
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outperformed them, they began to
work
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harder as time passed. By the way, even countries compete with each other mostly in football, boxing, or tennis.
Consequently
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, growth comes from competing and leads to non-stop working on oneself.
For example
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,
according to
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world statistics, 60% of education
centers
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centres
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and every student have
competition
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, which means they need to take higher grades compared to their competitors; it works efficiently in education. They argue that competing is biological in human nature
so
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, so
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as to make
people
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likely to be better than
others
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.
Consequently
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, they develop their skills whether at
work
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, school, or even
daily
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in daily
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life, but deep
competition
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provides diverse drawbacks. In conclusion, there are
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both
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apply
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valid arguments on
both
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sides. I support the latter view to improve
both
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academic and personal development.
However
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, competing and cooperating need balance, and it might be the best option for the community.

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task response
Answer both sides in a clear way. Your view changes, so the reader is not sure what you really think.
task response
Keep one clear opinion from the start to the end. In body 1 you support cooperation, but in the end you support competition.
task response
Use examples that are clear and true to the point. Some examples are too general, like 'world statistics', and they do not feel strong.
task response
Explain each main idea more directly. Some sentences are hard to follow, so your point is not always clear.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a good basic shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Some phrases like 'By the way' do not fit formal essay style.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph stay on one main idea. A few ideas move too fast and feel mixed.
coherence and cohesion
Support topic sentences with simple, clear steps: idea, reason, example, result.
task response
You discuss both competition and cooperation, so you address all parts of the task.
task response
You try to give reasons and examples for your ideas in both body paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is divided into clear paragraphs, which helps the reader follow your writing.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like 'On the one hand' and 'In conclusion' to show essay structure.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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