Some individuals consider that studying at university or college is the best route for successful carrer whereas others consider that is better to get a job after school .

Some individuals consider that studying at university or college is the best route for
successful
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a successful
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carrer
whereas
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others consider
that
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is
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it is
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better to get a
job
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after
school
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.
This
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essay will discuss both
advanatges
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advantages
and disadvantages before
i stae
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I state
my
oersonal
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personal
opinion . It
widely
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is widely
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believed that getting a
job
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right after
a
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apply
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school
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can have several advantages ,
for
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example
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example,
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youth can help to their families
fiancially
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financially
. Which results in becoming
indepent
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independent
and learning to make decisions .
For example
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, working at an early age and giving
money
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for
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to
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your parents when they are struggling
financally
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financially
is the best help you can give them , or if you can afford your own needs without asking for
money
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is
also
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counted . Morever it leads to personal growth and
socializing
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socialising
show examples
,
for instance
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working
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, working
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in a crowded jobs require good communication
skill
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skills
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and responsibility
which
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, which
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can be learnt during the work. It simply leads to becoming an independent person , who can pay his bills , help close people
or
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, or
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the one who can make
desicions
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decisions
for himself
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.
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However
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working
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, working
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from an early age has several drawbacks with advantages . Starting to work at an early age can be stressful and tiring
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. For
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for
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example
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example,
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when they graduate from
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school
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school,
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they will be only
at
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apply
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18
and
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, and
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this
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type of experience can be hard for them .
While
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they first start
working
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working,
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they do not know anything about it and can face
diffuclities
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difficulties
with
hadling
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handling
stress and anxiety .
Furthermore
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working
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, working
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for 8 or 9 hours as adults can be tiring and have consequences
on
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for
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health
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problems . Personally i think that if there is no necessity for working or
speacial
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special
circumstances
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circumstances,
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it is better to have
education
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an education
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in universities and colleges to have
bright
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a bright
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future .
Money
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should not come at the expense of
health
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. In coclusion getting a
job
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right after
school
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can be
benefitial
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beneficial
in cases
learning
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of learning
show examples
to make decisions and to be independent
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whereas
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, whereas
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it has major disadvantages
on
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, such as
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getting used to
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job
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a job
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or having several serious
health
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problems . Everything should be on time , youth should put their education and
health
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in first place
and
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, and
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they can earn
money
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or find appopriate
job
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later when they are ready.

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task response
Answer both sides more clearly. You talk more about getting a job, but you do not really explain the good side of university study.
task response
State your opinion in a clear way earlier, not only near the end. This helps the reader follow your main idea.
task response
Use more clear main ideas in each part. One part should have one main point, then explain it, then give an example.
task response
Some examples are too general. Add more real and clear examples to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic structure: introduction, body, and conclusion. This is good, but some sentences are very long and hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some are good, like 'however' and 'furthermore', but ideas inside sentences are not always connected well.
coherence and cohesion
Make paragraphing cleaner. Each paragraph should focus on one clear topic only.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because mistakes make your ideas less easy to understand.
task response
You answer the main topic and discuss both views.
task response
You give your own opinion in the essay.
task response
You include examples about family help, money, and personal growth.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words such as 'for example', 'however', and 'furthermore'.
coherence and cohesion
The overall order of ideas is easy to see.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general
What to do next:
Look at other essays: