IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that the best way to imporve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities. Others , however say that this would have little effect on public health and that other measures are required. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

Recently, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
facilities
Use synonyms
 are the most advantageous
health
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-improving method. Meanwhile, others contend that there are more profitable ways to increase
health
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 stability. In In my opinion, both views are reasonable depending on each situation;
however
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, I accede to the former idea.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
this
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 approach should only be considered as a short-term solution. To illustrate,
people
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 have deeper
health
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 problems, including asthma and cancer, that sport
facilities
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 cannot cover. They argue that to prevent or treat those kinds of
health
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 problems, the government should provide hospitals and decrease medical bills to improve public
health
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.
This
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 is because many illnesses cannot afford to pay or even struggle to find direct hospitals, so these kinds of improvements play a crucial role in
healthy
Replace the word
the health of
 residents.
For instance
Linking Words
, in China, many
people
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 die owing to cancer, and they do not have enough hospitals or money to pay
.
Change preposition
for them.
show examples
On the other hand
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, it is discernible that investing in sports infrastructure facilitates the development of public
health
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because physical training develops muscles or prevents obesity, which is helpful for many
people
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. In fact,
according to
Linking Words
 world statistics, 70% of
people
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 endure suffering from those illnesses, so training is a reliable technique for treatment. As we can see, in some areas, especially the countryside,
people
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 do not have enough sports
facilities
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 to train;
as a result
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, they lose their
favor
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motivation
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 to work on themselves.
For example
Linking Words
, in Korea,
sport
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sports
show examples
facilities
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 are installed in front of the apartment buildings, which makes it convenient for residents to exercise.
Therefore
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, providing a gym near apartments encourages a healthier lifestyle. In conclusion, there are valid arguments on both sides; I completely support providing sports
facilities
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because it helps
people
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 to prevent themselves from illnesses.

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task response
Answer both sides more evenly. You wrote about both views, but the first side is a bit less clear and less full.
task response
State your opinion in a direct way and keep it the same. You say both views are reasonable, but then you fully support one side. Make this clearer.
task response
Develop your ideas more. Some points are good, but some need more explanation about how they improve public health.
task response
Use examples that fit your point more clearly. The China and Korea examples help, but they need more detail and a clearer link to the main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear basic structure: intro, two body paragraphs, and conclusion. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Linking is sometimes unclear. Some sentences do not connect smoothly, especially in the first body paragraph. Use simple links like first, however, for example, and therefore in the right place.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, the point moves from sports facilities to hospitals and cost, but the flow is not always smooth.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order inside paragraphs. Put the main idea first, then explanation, then example.
task response
You answered the full question and discussed both views.
task response
You gave your own opinion and repeated it in the conclusion.
task response
You used examples from real countries, which helps support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have one main topic, which helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like on the other hand, for instance, and therefore.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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