IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Many
people
Use synonyms
 believe that it is a beneficial idea to continue to
work
Use synonyms
 even
if
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 they get older.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss
this
Linking Words
 topic and present my opinion. On the one hand,
people
Use synonyms
 who
work
Use synonyms
 even when they
old
Verb problem
are old
show examples
 often have
fantastic
Correct article usage
a fantastic
show examples
 vision for the future.
This
Linking Words
 is because many
people
Use synonyms
 retired early ,so
this
Linking Words
 gives them an advantage
to achieve
Change preposition
in achieving
show examples
 more levels and upgrades.
For example
Linking Words
,most
people
Use synonyms
 who have a great job and a high level in the community are
old
Correct word choice
of an advanced
show examples
age
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,some
people
Use synonyms
 who do not have children or a massive family
work
Use synonyms
 at an old
age
Use synonyms
 because if they do not have a job ,it means they cannot collect money.
Therefore
Linking Words
,most
people
Use synonyms
 are trying to continue working until they do not have the ability to
work
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,some
people
Use synonyms
 love their job , and they have nothing to do but
work
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,if they retired may hate life and their society because they cannot do anything in their free time.
As a result
Linking Words
,some
people
Use synonyms
work
Use synonyms
 independently to create their own company.
In addition
Linking Words
,they would like to
work
Use synonyms
 for themselves and waste their free time by working in the company and plan to create more projects.
In contrast
Linking Words
,many
people
Use synonyms
 cannot keep working until old
age
Use synonyms
 or until the legal retirement
age
Use synonyms
.Because some of them get sick or have family problems,
whereas
Linking Words
 others are from high-income families.
Therefore
Linking Words
,they do not need to keep working,
while
Linking Words
 their family can afford for them everything they need.
Consequently
Linking Words
,the government sometimes published offers to early retirees
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
if they accept the offer, the government give them money or a house to help them continue their life. In conclusion, both views play an essential role in our society,but I believe that continuing to
work
Use synonyms
 until old
age
Use synonyms
 is beneficial and important for
people
Use synonyms
 who cannot leave their
work
Use synonyms

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Give your opinion more clearly in the introduction. Say if you agree, disagree, or partly agree.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Now some paragraphs have too many different points.
task response
Support each main idea with one clear example. Your example about old people with great jobs is too general.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Some ideas join, but the flow is not always smooth.
task response
Explain why working in old age is good or not good in a deeper way. Some points are short and not fully developed.
task response
You answered the topic and talked about both sides of the issue.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You used some linking words like on the one hand, on the other hand, and in conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • lifelong employment
  • senior workforce
  • retirement age
  • pension schemes
  • financial security
  • age discrimination
  • workforce diversity
  • technological savvy
  • healthcare considerations
  • mental acuity
  • social contribution
  • intergenerational transfer of knowledge
  • quality of life
  • career longevity
  • voluntary work
  • compulsory retirement
  • flexible working arrangements
  • job market dynamics
  • dignified retirement
  • work-life balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: