IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Topic: When asked to choose between a life without work and working most of the time, people would always choose not to work. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Some
people
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 argue that many
people
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 would prefer a
life
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 without
work
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. Whilst I completely agree with
this
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 statement, it can reduce stress and pressure and give
people
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 more
time
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 to learn new skills and improve their hobbies.
This
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 essay will discuss these reasons. First of all,
life
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 without
work
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 can reduce stress and pressure. Many workers feel tired and stressed after a long day's
work
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.
For example
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, some
people
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 do not sleep
and
Correct word choice
or
show examples
 eat well because of
work
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 pressure.
For
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this
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 reason, many
people
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 choose to quit their jobs to get a quieter
life
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.
Secondly
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,
people
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 would have more
time
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 to learn new things and improve their skills.
This
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 is because they have free
time
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 could learn new languages,travel, and discover new countries and learn about their cultures.
Also
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, meet new
people
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.
This
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 will help them to improve their knowledge and experience.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, some
people
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 have a lot of
money
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. Because of
this
Linking Words
 reason they do not need to
work
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.
For example
Linking Words
, some
people
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 have a lot of
money
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 , they can buy anything they need with out faring their
money
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 will run out.
For
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this
Linking Words
 reason, many
people
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 prefer a
life
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 without
work
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. In conclusion, I believe that many
people
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 would prefer a
life
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 without
work
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 because it reduces stress, gives them more free
time
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 to improve their skills
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 some of them have a lot of
money
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Write more about the main question. The topic says 'people would always choose not to work'. You should explain this idea more and show why you agree.
task response
Add one strong example for each main point. Your examples are simple, but they need more clear detail.
task response
Some ideas are repeated, like stress and free time. Try to add deeper ideas, not the same point again.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, middle, and end, which is good. But some parts do not link well. Use clear linking words and make each paragraph flow better.
coherence and cohesion
The third paragraph is not very smooth. The sentence 'Because of this reason they do not need to work' repeats the same idea. Try to join ideas in one full sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make topic sentences more clear. Each paragraph should start with one main idea, then explain it, then give an example.
task response
You answer the question clearly and you give your opinion from the start.
coherence and cohesion
You include a clear introduction and a clear conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to follow because you use simple paragraph order: first, secondly, thirdly, in conclusion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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