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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Students perform better in school when they are rewarded rather than punished. To what extent do you agree?

It is often argued that giving
students
Use synonyms
 positive reinforcement is more effective than disciplining them for poor performance. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 because a reward
system
Use synonyms
 boosts motivation and the desire for new academic achievements. I personally believe that
this
Linking Words
 implementation will change the whole
system
Use synonyms
 in a better way and will make a huge impact on
student’s
Check wording
students’
show examples
 knowledge. The primary reason positive reinforcement works is that a significant reward after good performance will make
students
Use synonyms
 try harder, be more focused and be more productive in studying. In my opinion, there is one big problem in modern education,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
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 of motivation and understanding of what is really important for them in schools, colleges and universities. The rewards will make and maybe sometimes force them
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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learn and achieve good results. At the same time,
such
Linking Words
Use synonyms
system
Correct article usage
a system
show examples
 will create a competitive environment, which
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe will make it even more effective and will make
students
Use synonyms
 more interested.
For example
Linking Words
, I would propose to implement a leaderboard with a points
system
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, where the more points you get, the more substantial the prize you get.
In contrast
Linking Words
, strict disciplinary measures and punishments can demotivate
students
Use synonyms
 and damage their relationship with teachers.
This
Linking Words
 approach can lead to lower results and make them afraid of teachers, which will make it even worse. From my perspective, it is the most detrimental thing that could happen, because
such
Linking Words
 an approach can affect their mental health, leading to not only problems in studying but in everyday life as well.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, small penalties should be a part of
educational
Correct article usage
the educational
show examples
system
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 for keeping discipline.
For example
Linking Words
, if a student is late for a class or shows inappropriate behaviour. In conclusion, I firmly believe that positive reinforcement is the only way to make
students
Use synonyms
 more motivated and confident,
while
Linking Words
 keeping small punishments for those who ruin discipline

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task response
For task response, your answer is clear and you give your opinion from the start. But you should explain more why rewards are better in some cases, and why some punishment is still needed.
task response
For task response, your example about a leaderboard is useful, but it feels a bit general. Add one more real and clear example to make your ideas stronger.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. This is good. But some ideas are too long in one sentence, so they are harder to follow.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, use linking words more carefully. Some parts connect well, like 'In contrast' and 'In conclusion', but a few ideas jump too fast.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, keep your point fully on the main question. The line about changing the whole system is too broad and not fully developed.
task response
For task response, you answer the question directly and clearly say that you completely agree.
task response
For task response, you include both sides: rewards and punishment. This helps show a balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your paragraphs are in a clear order, and each paragraph has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, you use basic linking words well enough to guide the reader.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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