These days, cell (mobile) phones and the internet are very important to the ways in which people relate to one another socially. Do the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

In recent years , there has been a growing concern about the
using
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use of
mobile
phones
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and
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internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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.
While
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this
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trend has several advantages , it
also
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has some disadvantages , and how they are related in society . I believe that the benefits are greater than the drawbacks. Examining the brighter side of
,
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apply
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how
really is
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apply
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mobile
phone
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phones
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and
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internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
are beneficial to expand
acommunication
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communication
relationships , the foremost one is mobile
phones
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. Mobile
phones
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are very crucial in our society to help individuals to communicate with each other , especially families and friends
where they
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who
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don't live together .
For
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example
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example,
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by using online platforms like WhatsApp and Instagram to communicate with each other.
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Moreover
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Moreover,
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mobile
phones
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and
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internet
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the internet
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are reliable sources that
access people
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provide people with access
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to enhance skills and
provides
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provide
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individuals
access
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with access
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to important
information's
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information
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. As
result
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a result
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,
individual's
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individuals
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can enhance their relationship with relatives ,
also
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increase their knowledge and learn more effectively by using mobile
phones
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and
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internet
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the internet
show examples
in a good way.
On the other hand
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, there are some drawbacks . One major problem is distraction and how it's affecting
people
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people's
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mindset socially and mentally.
For instance
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Many people spend most of
there
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their
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time scrolling
in
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through
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ineffective videos and without making
scene
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sense
show examples
.
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Moreover
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Moreover,
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it affects
on
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apply
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individual communication and
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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him more distracted .
Therefore
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,
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decreasing the efficiency of individual daily tasks
,
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apply
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make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
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him less focused on personal growth. In conclusion ,
although
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mobile
phones
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have many advantages , it has
also
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some
Verb problem
have some
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disadvantages.
Overall
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, I believe that smartphones and the
internet
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could be really helpful for society and enhance
the
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apply
show examples
individuals mindset
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individuals' mindsets
show examples
and their communication.

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task response
Answer the full question more clearly. You say the good points are stronger, but you need to explain why they are stronger than the bad points.
task response
Give one or two more clear examples. Your WhatsApp example is good, but the bad side also needs a more real and clear example.
task response
Develop each main idea more. Some points are short, so the reader wants more support and detail.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences at the start of each body paragraph. This helps the reader follow your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a smoother way. Some sentences feel broken or not complete, so the flow is weak.
coherence and cohesion
Group similar ideas together. For example, keep communication ideas in one place and learning ideas in another place.
task response
You give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a basic structure: introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use relevant ideas about family contact, online apps, and distraction.
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